How Hospitality Helps or Hinders Relationships

During my teen years, after my parents' divorce, we never had anyone over. We met friends, and later, dates, at the door or outside. Because the house had reached such an out-of-control point, we would have been mortified if anyone came in.

When you grow up like this, it takes a long time to break out of a panic-at-having-people-over mindset.

Awhile back, I met a new friend, with whom I thought we could become quite close. Of course, developing a relationship takes time and fellowship. Although I invited her over a few times, many times I would think about it--only to chicken out because I felt like the house wasn't quite "show ready."

I've read that the difference between hospitality and entertaining is that hospitality (which we are commanded Biblically to practice) seeks to let people even if the house isn't perfect and make guests feel welcome and comfortable, whereas entertaining is all about creating the best impression possible. Pride can more easily factor in when we're in an entertaining mindset, and we can more easily refuse to have people over because "it's not quite good enough yet," or we can have people over with the wrong motivation: impressing them, rather than simply enjoying their company.

Now that this friend has moved away, I wonder how our friendship might have grown more if I simply would have invited her over more often. That brings me to the point:

I think hospitality is like a muscle: the less you use it, the weaker it becomes. The thought of having someone over seems like a major undertaking. The more you practice hospitality, the easier (and more comfortable) it is.

Another one of my friends has really served as a great example to me in this regard. She is very relaxed about inviting people over, even though her house may not be perfectly picked up at any given moment. It is the spirit of hospitality, and not the appearance of the house, that matters most. Certainly, to feel at ease with people dropping by on short notice, basic housekeeping routines must not be totally neglected. But, they don't have to be performed perfectly and spotlessly either. Again, it's the spirit and not the appearance that leaves a lasting impression. By practicing hospitality regularly, we build relationships. Failing to practice hospitality hinders the growth of relationships.

Related posts: Having People Over
Loosen Up and Let People In

Tea Party Time

I'm hosting a tea party gathering tomorrow--not the political kind, the hospitable kind. I've blogged about how I wanted to intentionally focus on our faith, our family, and our friends this Christmas season. Marybeth Whalen's e-book, A Recipe for Christmas Joy (wonderful, by the way!), discusses the idea of hosting a peppermint tea party. I loved it, and we are having one tomorrow.

Here's what we're doing:

• Drinking peppermint tea, of course
• I will also brew some Belgian Chocolate Rooibos and have other teas (and coffee) on hand
• Eating snacks (We made red velvet peppermint cream whoopie pies and candy cane cookies; I'll also put out pretzels, a fruit tray, a veggie tray, and crackers and cheese)
• Reading the The Legend of the Candy Cane
• Beading candy cane ornaments (bought materials for these at Hobby Lobby--pipe cleaners, beads, ribbon)
• Making goody bags: candy canes on a card that shares the meaning of the candy cane, Snowman soup (hot cocoa mix, a candy cane, some Hershey Kisses)

I ordered some items (like the candy canes on cards, table covers, candy cane plates and napkins) from Oriental Trading Company. Everything is coming together. Now if only I could get the house clean, and the kids would keep it clean! As I am writing this, they just dumped out a whole bunch of stuff in the sun porch.
So off to take care of that...and the dishes...make dinner...dishes...vacuum...pick up after the little whirlwinds...do more dishes. Eventually, I'll just have to stop and say "It's as good as can be," and enjoy having friends over, even if the house doesn't look exactly like a page out of Southern Living. Whenever I'm on the receiving side of hospitality, I so much more remember the feeling of being with friends (and the kindness of their invitation) than what their home looked like during our visit.

Loosen Up and Let People In

Coffee Talk Thursday

We've been talking a lot lately about having people over, and it seems like most of us really struggle with letting people in unless everything's perfect or near-perfect. If we do issue an invitation, we'll work hard to achieve a House-Beautiful look, which will stress us out, last for about a day, and leave the guests with an incorrect impression of reality at our house (and perhaps a feeling of inferiority as well, if they feel like their house doesn't look like ours on that day). Wouldn't it be so much better to just loosen up and let people in anyway?

I think freeing ourselves from the bondage of perfectionism in this regard is quite a bit like overcoming stage fright. We can be so afraid of opening the door and letting someone roam around in our house that we never do it. But, just like a person who gets up on stage and speaks before a crowd despite butterflies and nerves, the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

I am learning this lesson myself, and it is surprisingly therapeutic to fight "stage fright," if you will. We have some college girls staying with us for the summer. The other day, my boys went to my bedroom upstairs to retrieve their new cat. They took one of the girls with them. I was mortified; I would never have allowed anyone in my bedroom that day, for I knew what it looked like up there with laundry baskets all around, and tubs of winter/summer clothes out for the transfer to drawers, and several stray items strewn around. I panicked for a second, but it was too late. She had seen it all. And you know what? She really didn't care, which made me realize it was probably not as bad as I thought. But my perception would have kept me from allowing anyone upstairs until it was "perfect."

When we allow people to see us as we really are, it frees us all from the trap of perfectionism. When we work so hard to get everything so right before anyone comes over, we give such a false-sense of reality about our homes, and we set others up for feeling inferior. They step in a "perfect" home and inwardly wonder why they can't make their house look like that. The irony is our homes rarely look the way we've presented them to others.

So when we loosen up a little and fight stage fright about having people over, we will begin to become more comfortable with letting people come in whenever, and we will realize getting things "just-so" isn't really that big of a deal anyway. It's scary at first, but let's just do it anyway. After awhile, we'll realize how therapeutic it really is.

P.S. The more we say "yes" to those routine chores around the house, the better things will look!

Having People Over

Coffee Talk Thursday

I enjoy having people over (once they get here), but the lead-up to their arrival is usually quite stressful for me. Partly, it's because I'm a perfectionist--nothing ever seems quite "ready" enough: there are always more toys to be picked up, more clutter to clear, more spots to wipe, more sweeping to be done, more vacuuming, more tidying, and on and on. If I do succeed at getting things where I want them, then I feel like I should bake something (which creates more stress and mess). The issue really is I care about the "show," the presentation of my house. I don't want guests to be uncomfortable or see the way things usually are around here for fear they will think, "Look at all that clutter. Cheryl's really doing a poor job of keeping up."

This week, as I was talking with an older mom about this issue, she said something that really stuck with me: God is love, and He wants us to love people. A great way we can do this is by opening our homes to friends and acquaintances. I know all of this in my head, but it was helpful to be reminded that the higher priority is showing love; the lesser priority is having a spotless house. Most people, when experiencing the graciousness of hospitality and the sweetness of fellowship that accompanies it, will completely overlook clutter, unmopped floors, dishes in the sink and toys on the floor. They're so grateful to be shown the love that they will forgive (often not even notice) a less-than-perfect house.

For those of us who are perfectionists, it can be helpful to set a limit to our cleaning before company. Set a timer for, say, one hour. When the timer goes off, we're done. Period.

By remembering the real priority, and setting a limit when it comes to cleaning, we keep our spirits (and those of our families!) ready for company.

How do you respond to having people over? Let's have a cup of coffee and talk about it!

Have You Written A Letter Lately?

Photo from ehow.com

With email, text messaging, Facebook, and Twitter, sitting down with a pen and a piece of paper to write a letter is practically becoming a lost art. Yet, receiving a letter in the mail is such a special treasure. I have even known people whose sole Christmas gift to family and friends is a thoughtfully penned letter. And you know what? That simple gift is often the most cherished of all.

I was both encouraged, and challenged, by these words:

"We all have someone waiting for a letter, and each of us has someone thinking about him or her and wishing the mail would bring some sort of word, some message...Start by writing a letter to one person, and continue by writing letters to others who are waiting for a letter." (The Hidden Art of Homemaking) by Edith Schaeffer

What a gift it would be for grandparents who live miles away to receive weekly update letters in your own handwriting about your children’s week—the funny things they’ve done and said, how they’re growing and learning, and any other highlights. I guarantee they’ll save these, and someday you’ll find them, and what a gift they’ll be for your grown children as well. As Edith Schaeffer writes, "When they finish reading your letter, they will feel as if they had been spending the week with you."

You can write a letter and pop it in the mail today, and it will make it in time for Valentine's Day (or thereabouts). It will thoroughly brighten the recipient's day--maybe even week. It only costs a postage stamp and a little time. Yet the gift it gives is immeasurable.

Time Out for Tea

Today is a special day--my anniversary. Traditional gifts for the 7th anniversary are copper or wool. My wonderful husband surprised me with this beautiful copper tea kettle. Isn't it so shiny? :) The tea cups you see are my great find for the day: Danish Blue Eschenbach china. On a little walk with my boys to the corner thrift store today, I found this box of china with five plates, nine cups, ten saucers, and eight small bowls...for $5! I swooped it up (not literally, though...after all, I was wearing my baby in the Ergo carrier!).

Owning such a beautiful tea kettle and pretty china cups inspires me to create a daily tea time in my home (perhaps several). When little children wake up from naps groggy and perhaps a bit grouchy, and when older children no longer nap but still need some afternoon downtime, what better a way to revive everyone's spirits than by taking an afternoon tea time? If you felt motivated enough and had the time, you could even bake a little something to snack on with your tea--scones, oatmeal cookies, muffins, etc. When your husband arrives home, send the children to play, and share a cup of tea as you each talk about your day. Try to keep it uplifting! :)

Use your tea time to offer hospitality. Who can you invite over to share a cup of tea? I promise they'll be so blessed by your hospitality, encouragement, and interest in them (and their children) that they won't even notice (or care, if they do notice) that your house may not look like a page straight out of a Martha Stewart magazine.

When I was in college, I spent a semester in London, living and studying at a theological seminary which was once a grand mansion. Everyday, without fail, at 10 and at 3 (I believe), everyone stopped for tea time. We all gathered in the beautiful dining room overlooking a rolling hill several sheep grazed on and shared fellowship over cups of tea. It always left us feeling invigorated, revived and ready to tackle the rest of the day.

A warm cup of tea can minister to us on so many different levels. It's warm and soothing for our spirits, calming for our nerves, restful for our bodies, and relaxing for our minds. Taking time for tea also provides time for sharing among friends (or with our children), which kindles friendship and goodwill. No one has ever finished a cup of tea and felt to be in a worse mood than before sitting down for tea time.

Today I'm grateful for my new tea kettle and dainty cups. I'll be having tea with my boys at three. May I encourage you to take time for tea today too?

The Ministry of Blogging

Have you ever just felt like the mom in this picture? You're tired. You're overwhelmed. You're covered in baby food, possibly spit-up, you're behind in your housework, and you just need some encouragement. So since you're home (and covered in all sorts of baby fluids), you turn to your computer. You try to find just the right blog to give you that boost. Sometimes tracking it down is tough--there are so many; where do you even begin looking? But then you stumble across the one you need most, and it is like salve to your soul. Its words encourage and uplift you. You find the practical help you were seeking. The wisdom you found helps gives your "now" a fresh perspective. You feel like you can do this after all!

In our modern-technological era, I wholeheartedly believe blogs serve a vital ministry function. I know because I've experienced it. I bet you have too. I am not saying we should turn to blogs before we turn to the Lord, our husband, children, and friends. What I am saying is they are an easily accessible source of practical help, which I believe the Lord uses in our lives as He helps us grow in all things.

For example, when a friend of mine (who now has nine children) was early in her motherhood journey, she felt such a void of godly female mentoring in her life. She told me she cried out to God, asking "Where are the Titus 2 women?" In the Bible, Titus chapter 2 (for those who are not familiar with it) instructs the older women to train the younger women to "love their husbands and children [a friendly kind of love], to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."  My friend said for her, the answer came in books. For me--and probably for many of you--we're finding that training, encouragement and help through the wonderful blogs of moms who love their Lord, their husbands, their children, their homes.

Our church provides a Titus 2 mentoring ministry, which is indeed a blessing. I wholeheartedly agree that receiving one-on-one encouragement, help, prayer, accountability, etc. in person is the way it should be. But sometimes these real-life connections don't happen, or don't happen with enough regularity to really be effective in meeting needs. After all, life is busy. Blogs fill the void.  The insight I receive online greatly ministers to me in my roles as a wife, mother, homemaker, friend. I am deeply grateful for it (as well as the mentoring I receive from friends in real life).

So in keeping with my desire for ministry and mentoring at Moms in Need of Mercy, as I arrive at those "ah-ha" moments in my journey, I'll pass them on here in hopes that they can bless you in turn! 

This post is linked to Gratituesday, hosted by Heavenly Homemakers.

On Offering (and Accepting) Hospitality...(and a Giveaway!)

**Update 9/24/09--the winner of the Karen Ehman book was comment number 23: Suzi.
Suzi, I have no way to contact you. I need you to send me an email at cherylannhackett@yahoo.com by Monday, Sept. 28, or I will draw another winner.

"Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others..." -- 1 Peter 4:9

Over the weekend, my husband, children and I were blessed to spend some time visiting with Laura of Heavenly Homemakers and her family on our way back home from our cross-country trip. Through our correspondence, she had generously invited us to her home as we traveled through their area. A really rough day of traveling, however, looked like it would prevent the visit from taking place. All the series of unfortunate events gave new meaning to me of the verse, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12). The bad day left us discouraged and about ready to throw in the towel on accepting their offer of hospitality. Almost, but not quite. Despite the circumstances, we went anyway.

When we arrived, Laura joked that we were about to "quench the Spirit by not accepting their offer of hospitality."  She couldn't have said it better. Fellowshipping with her family was such a blessing to our family; a short visit shone redeeming light through the entire day. God's mercy. And I was a mom in need of it.

(left to right, Laura's son Elias, my sons Gannet and Xavier, me, my baby Jack, Laura's son Asa, Justus, Malachi and Laura)

Laura's exuberant hospitality inspired me to be better about offering hospitality to others. Yet too often it's easy to "grumble" about it, as 1 Peter chides us against. We can grumble about the inconveniences of having guests over--cooking for more people, cleaning a little a lot more than usual, and the like.  I tend to grumble not so much about the practice of hospitality as I do about the condition of my home. For one, it's often messier than I would like. Two, many parts of our 100-year old home need repair. Three, our furniture is quite old and worn. Four, our kitchen table lacks adequate chairs (they don't match, some are broken, and there are not enough for company). I can be embarrassed about all these things, or I can follow God's command to practice hospitality despite my misgivings about my home and what people will think. With the former, I "quench the Spirit" and miss out on sweet fellowship; with the latter, God can use my hospitality--as He did Laura's--to richly encourage others. We are not asked, or even expected, to have perfect homes; but rather, to use what we do have to welcome others into our lives and into our homes.

On the flip side, there can also be reasons why we don't accept hospitality. Perhaps we are too shy, or feel awkward going to someone's home that we don't know that well; maybe we don't want to inconvenience the hosts; or we hesitate because caring for our children, especially when they're small, is enough work at our own house, much less anyone else's! Yet, when we forget all those "grumblings" and accept an offer of hospitality, the hosts are blessed in the offering, and we are blessed in the receiving, so it's a win-win for everyone!

In honor of Laura's (and others) heavenly hospitality, I would like to offer a free autographed copy of A Life that Says Welcome: Simple Ways to Open Your Heart & Home to Others by Karen Ehman (which Karen has generously donated to one lucky reader). I loved this book and found it offered many practical suggestions to step up the practice of hospitality. To enter, just leave a comment, and I will draw a winner next Tuesday!

Blessings!