Sugar Ants & Pesky Habits

Sugar ants (technically pavement ants), which are tiny--only about a millimeter in length--decided to check out what kind of yummy morsels they could find on my kitchen counters. The only problem--they're not welcome in my house. Try telling them that.

When I discovered them, I sprayed them with 409 and wiped them away. The rascals (well, new ones) came back. Repeat spray-and-wipe procedure. They repeated their return. My husband put an ant trap on the counter. That helped a little, but more showed up later. This was all starting to really gross me out.

Fast-forward to the next day, lunch-time.

The scene: making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for my kids.
The drama: I thought the counter was clean enough, so I laid the bread right on the counter without a cutting board, and began to spread the peanut butter, then the jelly, on the sandwiches. I put the sandwiches on paper plates and discovered a few tiny little ants crawling on the sandwiches. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Checked the knife I used for the peanut butter. They were on it. Checked the peanut butter. They were in it. More yuck. Threw the peanut butter away.

Decided to investigate where these ants were coming from, and where else they were in my kitchen. Looked in our main food cabinet. Yep. They were not only on the shelves, they were climbing vertically up the sides of the cabinet to reach other shelves. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

At this point, I had a royal freak-out. I started throwing things out of the cabinets, spraying the shelves down, and trying to figure out where the ants were getting in at. (Sometimes spring cleaning is more out of necessity than desire).

I went over to the computer to search for ways to eliminate sugar ants once and for all. Found some helpful tips, but this information only added to my anxiety. Here's how you wipe out and control a sugar ant invasion:

• Keep your counter tops immaculate. Spray with bleach water, or vinegar water after every meal or snack.
• Sweep and mop your floor with either bleach or vinegar water after every meal.
• Apparently, the ants will follow pheromone trails, so the bleach or vinegar will destroy their scent trails.

 Easy advice for a naturally neat person to follow, but for me?

What so overwhelmed me about this was:
1) my kitchen counters are nowhere near immaculate. Getting them spotless in the next fifteen minutes (which was the urgency I felt) caused me to panic, along with questions of how would I ever keep them spotless if I succeeded in getting them spotless in the first place?
2) Mop your floor after every meal? I am lucky if I can mop once a week.

Right then, it felt like all the issues that have been causing some tension for some time (the kids leaving toys on the floor—which I needed to mop NOW, not confining their eating only to the table, etc.) exploded. I had a major rant-and-rave session, which included comments, like, “You all need to help more with chores”, “There is too much for me to do by myself!”, “We have way too many toys!”, “I’m sick of always picking up your toys. I’m just going to start throwing them away” and on and on. At one point, my son said, “Oh no. This is just getting way too serious. We’re still only kids, Mom.” Hilarious!

I realized then, as I have realized in times before, than I fall back on a pattern I was raised with of trying to spur my children to action through using guilt and shame. It’s terrible, I know, but like any bad habit that rears its ugly head, it can be hard to break.

Ironically, while mopping the floor, a Christian radio broadcast was discussing the topic of anger. How do you handle it when it’s gotten out of control and is hurting your family? One woman called in to say that she learned to recognize her triggers and then take appropriate actions to address her stress without losing her composure.

I realized then that the sugar ants were a metaphor for my own spiritual condition. My struggle is how I react when stressed to the max. But for someone else, it may be a different problem. Am I going to keep spraying and wiping the ants I see on the counter each day, or am I going to take the necessary (although difficult) steps to defeat the problem for good?

We can keep spraying and keep wiping (dealing only with the surface problem), but if we don’t target the source, the ants will keep coming back. Sometimes, we’re forced to deal with our “ants.”  The pesticide for eliminating the “ants” we struggle with is repentance, prayer, and walking in the Spirit.

We cannot change any bad habit or sinful pattern of behavior without first recognizing that it is a problem and then confessing our shortcomings and need for help to our Maker and Savior. We pray, as King David prayed in Psalm 51:

"Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
    blot out my transgressions.
² Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight…

⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow…

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

¹⁷ My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.”

Once we’ve prayed, we walk in the Spirit. Christ’s presence with us will give us everything we need to overcome our sinful temptations and falling back into old patterns of behavior. We need to turn our minds to Him and ask for His mercy and grace.

(By the way, the counters managed to stay pretty clean for a few days—I wouldn’t say spotless, but close! And the ants are not coming back to the same places. I’m still struggling with maintaining the high level of cleanliness required to keep them at bay--it takes a lot of discipline, which can be difficult, especially with a sick baby who wants to be held all the time--but I’m growing. I’m growing spiritually, too. I'm grateful that God cares enough about me that He wants me to grow to become more like Him, and He'll help me do it--and you, too!)

Sharing with:
We are That Family (Works for Me Wednesday)

Women Living Well
Heavenly Homemakers (Gratituedsay) 
The Better Mom
Raising Arrows

Raising Homemakers

Lord, Where are My Keys?

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Ten o’clock Sunday morning, and we were ready to head out the door. We were on schedule to arrive 15 minutes early to church—unusual for us, on its own, and even more unusual considering I had singlehandedly gotten four children and myself ready for church. Not just “average-day” ready but looking nice! 

My husband was playing guitar on the praise team for the first time at our church, and I was looking forward to hearing him play.

“Let’s go,” I announced.  “Where are the keys? Who took the keys?”

No answer. Repeated a little more loudly and frantically this time, and the next, and the next… Finally, the culprit confessed (or his brothers confessed for him).

“Where did you go with the keys?” I asked, with increasing inflation in my voice (obviously not as calmly as I would have liked, if I could do it over).

“Outside, in the garage, and downstairs,” he responded.

Lots of ground to cover there.

Out I went to search, while urging the troops to come search with me. I wish I could say I acted like a loving coach motivating them to action, but it was more like a stressed-out mom on a rant about why we have rules that kids do not take keys, why we don’t lose keys, how we won’t be going anywhere until we find the keys, how we’ll probably be missing church and hearing Dad play guitar, and how we spent all that time getting ready and it was all a waste, since someone decided to run off with the keys and lose them.

We looked through the garage. Under and over things and in the minivan. We searched outside, around the house, the patio furniture, in the grass, in the window wells for the basement, and around again (I think I even checked in the mailbox). We searched downstairs. I searched the main floor and upstairs for good measure. No luck anywhere.

We spent the better part of 45 minutes looking. (The “better part” is an interesting phrase, since no part of those 45 minutes were in no way “better” than how I could otherwise be spending them.) I encouraged my son to pray and ask Jesus to help us find the keys. Crying, he said, “I did pray, but He’s not helping me, because I can’t…[out-of-control crying] find…the…keeeeyyyyyys [more out-of-control crying].”

My son was crying so hard that he summoned the attention of a neighbor, who came out to look at why this boy was wailing uncontrollably. Partly it was because he felt sad for losing the keys, but mainly it was because his sensitive spirit couldn’t stand that his mom was upset at what he thought was him, but was really the situation (good luck explaining that to a five-year old).

Finally, I gave up and sent everyone to their room. “If we aren’t going to church,” I said, “you aren’t playing” (in case it was a con to get out of going).

I went outside to read my Bible, reflect, and pray.

Here’s what I was thinking about: 

• Just because I wasn’t spending those hours in church on Sunday morning didn’t mean I couldn’t worship God
• When you don’t get to use your time the way you thought you were going to use your time, how do you respond?
• What was God trying to show me through this?
• If I was upset that we were dressed up and looking nice but with nowhere to go (and no way to get there), is this not pride?
• If I was upset that I had spent my time getting everyone ready, which seemed to be a waste of time, was this not a trivial thing to stew about?

I’m glad that even in my frustration and anger, God gave me the grace to hold my tongue. I wanted to go into a tirade about why they are never, ever to take my keys. The accusation--“because you’re not responsible”--was wanting to leave my lips. But God’s mercy and grace helped me to picture what that would do to my child’s spirit. I remember what it felt like to receive stinging comments as a child.  Luckily, I refrained.

The Lord brought to mind the parable of the woman who searches her house for her lost silver coin. It’s in Luke chapter 15, along with a parable of the shepherd who loses one sheep out of a 100 and searches for it, as well as the parable of the prodigal son.

My sons came up from their time-out, and I read them these parables. We discussed how, even though we had lost our keys, it is more important that our souls are not “lost”, that we find Jesus, and help others find Him, too, and that even someday, if we get “lost” from Him, that we—like the prodigal son—find our way back.

Right at that very moment, my son exclaimed, “Mom! The keys!”

They were sitting on top of the barbecue grill right next to me. I can’t tell you how many times I had looked on and around the grill. It was as though the Lord had blinded my eyes to the keys the whole morning, up until that moment.

Why? I don’t know. Perhaps there would have been an accident on the way to church. Perhaps there was a lesson I needed to learn. Perhaps it was a lesson one of my children needed to learn. Perhaps the story is something someone needs to be encouraged by. I don’t know.

I just know it was ok with God that we weren’t in church that Sunday morning, because He kept us home.

Sharing with:
Women Living Well  
Raising Homemakers
Heavenly Homemakers

The Big Meltdown

“Cook for two minutes, turn over, and microwave for two minutes more,” read the instructions on the bag of chicken tenders. Easy enough. A multi-tasking mom, I ran to the bathroom while the chicken was warming in the microwave and came back to a kitchen filling with smoke. Looking around, I didn't see anything on fire. Was there an electrical fire behind the wall that I couldn't see? Then I remembered the chicken in the microwave.

I found charred chicken tenders and a plastic plate with a hole completely melted through. All in two minutes. Impressive, even for our out-dated '90's microwave.

Then it hit me: this was the perfect picture of my day. I was just a few minutes away from my own meltdown, but, unlike the microwave, in my attempt to be a better mom, I was fighting hard against it...

Continue reading at The Better Mom, where I am guest posting today on "The Big Meltdown."

Growing in Patience

Update: Jessica, congratulations! You won the drawing for the 100 Days of Blessing devotional book. Please email me your address (cheryl@momsinneedofmercy.com), and I will order that for you.
 
This weekend, we celebrated Easter. The Resurrection offers tremendous joy and hope for believers in Christ, as we know: 1) Christ is who He says He is--the Son of God, 2) what He said is true, and 3) He overcame sin and death and gives us the power to do the same. We know we will live forever with Christ and loved ones in a beautiful place after this life is over.

The Resurrection also provides hope and joy for us as mothers.

"Do you need more of God's power in your life? Do you need more of His power to help you mother each day? I have wonderful news for you. As you allow Him, God's power is working in you mightily. Not ordinary power, but the dunamis power of God, the power of God which releases miracles. It is the dunamis power of God which was poured out upon the disciples when they received the Holy Spirit to take the Gospel to the uttermost part of the earth. This is where we get the word dynamite--explosive power!...

Do you have trouble being patient? Are you plagued with anger? You do not have to be defeated any longer. Jesus died on the cross to give you the victory. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, did not die in vain. He died to not only save you from your sin, but to deliver you from your 'self' nature and to change you into the image of His Son. His dunamis power is working in you mightily to reveal God's nature and character in you and through you--to your husband, your children and to the people you associate with in your life.

Let Him work in you mightily. Jesus' blood has been shed to give you a new life. You can have patience because Christ lives in you and He is patient! You can have long-suffering, because Christ in you is longsuffering. He does not fly off the handle! He does not scream and shout! He has long patience and forbearance. And His wonderful life is living in you!...

Not only is Christ living His patient and longsuffering nature in you, but He enables you to do it with joy and thankfulness. Christ in you is joy. In the flesh, you live in defeat, but in Christ, you can bear your burdens with joy. You can put up with those who would naturally drive you mad. You can be patient with your children. You can endure as the power of God works in you mightily!"--Nancy Campbell, 100 Days of Blessing: Devotions for Wives and Mothers

Here are some of my favorite posts that share some practical ideas for growing in patience:
(I realize there are several here. I encourage you to read through them this week as you have extra time. I hope they will bless you.) 

• Change "Clothes" Several Times a Day (Getting Out of Bad Moods)
• Schedules and Sin (confronting the misdeeds and sometimes ugly attitudes of our kids)
• On Being Pleasant
• The Noodles of Wrath (lessons from mischievious acts)
• If Momma Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy (how to "snap out of it")
• Fighting Discouragement
• Motherhood: It's Stressful Sometimes (but what legacy do we want to leave?)
• Take a Hike (enjoying your family)
• Staying Calm (practical strategies when you feel like you're going to lose it)
• The Good, the Bad, the Ugly (and God's grace in motherhood)
• The Grouchy Ladybug
• A Day With No Sin
• Conquering Anger with Kindness and Goodness
• Leave it Outside 
• The Topic of "Me" Time

Because I have been so blessed by Nancy Campbell's devotional book, I would like you to be encouraged by it, too. As an Easter gift, I will order a copy for one of my readers. Please leave a comment on this post if you would like to be entered. The winner will be posted next Monday.

Sharing with:
Raising Homemakers
Women Living Well

Change Clothes Several Times a Day

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When you feel a bad mood coming on, you don't have to give in to it. It's as simple as changing clothes.

In her devotional book for mothers, Nancy Campbell writes about "putting on the new man" as Ephesians 4:22-24 describes.

"...Put off your old self...to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ...put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

We receive a whole new wardrobe once we become believers in Christ! What kind of clothes do we have in our made-over closet? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control (Galatians 5:22).

If you feel like your day is getting a little too chaotic and you can sense you're close to losing your cool and raising your voice, run into your closet and change clothes. Take off the impatience and stress. Find the peace and patience and put it on instead.

Your toddler has done something really upsetting. You're very frustrated. You're wearing your old shirt of harshness. Stop and change into gentleness with some self-control as an important accessory.

Perhaps you have a teenager who's being real testy. Don't meet the attitude wearing your snide shirt with your cool skirt. Try an outfit of love and faithfulness instead. Maybe your change of clothes will cause your child to change clothes eventually, too.

No matter what emotion you feel in your old self, there's a makeover waiting to happen. You just have to put it on. You can change clothes multiple times a day, and the best part is--in this system, there's no laundry to do!

(Sharing with Finding Heaven, Graceful, and Raising Homemakers)

Living in Your Anointing

It's late. I'm tired. I was not even going to blog. If I did, I was going to write a post and call it "I Can't Think Straight." I was going to share with you why I felt like a ping-pong ball all day today.

But I couldn't think of anything encouraging to say, so I wasn't even going to write. I was just going to do a little reading for our Bible study tomorrow morning (I wrote here why I haven't always gone in the past), leave the clean dishes in the sink to dry, forget about the three sprawling laundry baskets full of clothes to put away, forget about the three to four loads that still need to be washed, forget about the messes that abound everywhere I look, forget about the stuff that still needs to be cleared off the table...forget about it until 7AM when I see it again, and go to bed.

But then I did my Bible study, and amazingly, it spoke to everything I'm feeling today. Now I have something encouraging to say, so I'll do my best to say it.

--- 

Today was just one of those days that I'm sure we all experience more often that not as moms. Days when multiple demands from multiple children are flying at us, leaving us whiplashed. The chaos overwhelms us, and we feel like we just can't think straight.

Yesterday was busy and I didn't take the time to plan for the week ahead that I normally do. That was my first and biggest mistake, truly. With no semblance of a plan, the day was a messy, gooey blob.

If I got a spare second, the phone rang. My kids are going through a phase where they love to answer the phone and hate for the answering machine to get it, because it's just so much fun to say hello to the voice on the other end, and they don't understand it's inconvenient for Mom to talk to the voice on the other end right then. So I'd politely get off the phone, get started with something, then the phone would ring again. Today, some of the calls were actually dealing with big stuff, like a neighbor telling me the latest on the school district's plans to purchase our homes, and some family stuff.

I'd get off the phone, head reeling, look at the wake of things my children had done while on the phone. My head would reel again. The baby would cry (when will those teeth break through finally?), one child would ask me something, another child would simultaneously ask me something, and another child would ask me something before I could answer any of the questions. As I sat down to read with our oldest, the youngest wanted a snack, the baby needed a nap, and on and on. A ping pong ball.

I kept reminding myself that it's not their fault I feel this way. Individually, they are each a pretty sweet child (usually). Collectively, it just gets a little (or a lot) chaotic sometimes.

After all the kids were in bed, I sat down to start on my Bible study, and this is what I read:

"Being directed, comforted, and empowered by His Spirit within us is the only sure way to live with supernatural success when we encounter natural events that seek to derail us. We must be annointed."--Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed: A Study of David

I've been planning to blog on being anointed for motherhood...just haven't had the time or the full inspiration until now. Priscilla Shirer defines anointing as a "divine empowerment or a divine enablement to accomplish God's purposes for your life." Although in the Old Testament days, anointing priests, prophets and kings was usually accompanied with oil, as believers in Christ, we are "anointed with the indwelling [Holy] Spirit's presence from the day of our salvation." (Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed: A Study of David). (Scriptural support: 2 Corinthians 1:21-22).

I love what Priscilla Shirer writes in the study:

"The anointing on [King] David's life was essential to accomplish God's purposes, and we must have it to accomplish His plans for us. Without it, everything we do will only be a shell of activity that will leave us breathless from a series of frustrated efforts, amounting to little. With God's anointing, we can face life's circumstances with courage, joy, and inner peace." (bold mine).

Here are some other fabulous quotes from the study:

• "David accomplished supernatural kingdom purposes because God's Spirit equipped him for the tasks...As believers, God calls us to accomplish divine tasks for His glory. We must have the anointing of God's Spirit."
• As believers in Christ, "the Spirit lives in us, and we are sealed and anointed by Him to accomplish God's preplanned purposes. So, if you are a believer, you are anointed--right now. Your task is to rely on the power of God who indwells you so you can be empowered to do what you cannot do on your own." (bold mine).
• "The anointed life engages daily and normal activities in a supernatural way. When you have patience in your mothering...gentleness in your response, contentment in your circumstances, and empowerment in the face of your challenges, you are experiencing the greatest miracle of all. God's presence appearing in your life."

So even on the days when it seems like nothing great was accomplished as you bounced around from task to task and child to child, remember that if you are daily seeking to model what a relationship with Christ looks like in the real world, you are doing the most important and eternally significant work...even if the laundry, dishes, papers and clutter are waiting for you in the morning.

We are empowered by God to do everything we need to do for our families. We may not live in monasteries. Maybe we live in messes! Faithful service, with a kind heart, of the daily tasks we have before us is what helps us grow in holiness.

Step into the anointing and walk in it!

(Sharing with Finding Heaven, Gratituesday, Graceful, and Raising Homemakers)

The MomHeart Conference: Encouragement, Rejuvenation, Inspiration

I just returned from Sally Clarkson's MomHeart Conference in Denver. Attending a conference focused solely on encouraging women in motherhood rejuvenated, inspired, and encouraged me. First, simply being around other moms who are all going through the same stuff reminded me that we are not alone. I am not the only mom struggling to figure out how to handle housework, homeschooling, and a baby. At the nursing moms table where I sat, that seemed to be one of the biggest issues we as moms of multiples are working through right now.

One of the messages of the conference was that when we are alone in our homes, we can feel isolated--like we are the only ones struggling with some big issues, such as discouragement. But when we are in fellowship with other women, we realize we are not alone. We can share our burdens, pray for each other, and receive much needed encouragement to make it through the week.

Not only was it encouraging, the conference was also inspiring. The heart of the conference focused on building a family culture and training our children to love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds. What does this look like? Mainly, figuring out who God created your family to be, and intentionally doing the things that affirm your family's unique identity and calling in this world. We fill our child's hearts, souls and minds by "feeding them the best," as Sally said--the best literature, the best music, the best art (and the best times around the table too). (See this post of mine for more on intentionally creating an intoxicating family atmosphere). Hearing all the stories and ideas for creating a home filled with love and encouragement inspired me.

Listening to the talks certainly rejuvenated my spirits. It was like warm rays of sunshine shining down upon my soul. There are certainly areas where I can do better in my mothering, such as encouraging my children more and more. The conference also drove that home. Sally shared that if we are harsh with our children, yet teach that God is love, they will not have a reference for understanding what that looks like. On the other hand, if we are patient with them, instruct gently, tolerate their childishness without losing our cool, cuddle up with them and read them stories, give them lots of hugs and kisses, and make time to make them feel like the most special children in the world, then they will better understand God's love and purposes for them, because they see it in action in our hearts toward them every single day.

It's a high calling. We don't achieve any of this in our own strength, but only through the power of Christ working in us. We absolutely need to make time for prayer and fellowship with our Father every single day if we want to come anywhere close to  being the wives and mothers He wants us to be (and we want to be). As Sally said, we can't give out what we aren't first taking it. She stressed the importance of daily quiet times. She also shared in all these noble pursuits, we live between ideals and reality. How true that is.

As the conference closed, I felt great...empowered to be the most fabulous mother of all time for my children. Then we got home and the boys started fighting like little wolf pups, the baby who is teething fussed most of the day, Play-Doh from creative pursuits spread everywhere, milk spilled not once but twice and spread like a river all over the kitchen floor, and as I tried to read aloud from a good book, the boys were most interested in being rowdy than listening. The laundry is still in the suitcase...in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Though moments like that (or a series of them) threaten to rob my joy and steal my peace, I am trying to remember everything I learned and the inspiration I took away. This is the stuff these little years are made of. They pass quickly. Let's shape our hearts with, in Sally's words, goodness, truth, and beauty. In turn, we can shape our childrens' hearts out of the outflow of our hearts with gentleness, grace, forgiveness, as we train them in gracious manners, language, and courtesies, always learning how to overcome evil with good. (My friend blogged about it here as well; a great post).

Because it boost my spirits so much, I would like to encourage you to consider attending a MomHeart conference (or any other conference near you focused on empowering you to be a great mom). There are two upcoming MomHeart conferences in California and Texas. There are also Above Rubies retreats across the country (under the teaching of Nancy Campbell). Just as professionals attend conferences to stay on top of their skills and learn cutting-edge techniques for their trades, doesn't it make sense to find a conference to help you excel in your field of motherhood? Give it a try. I think you'll be so glad you did!

Why I Love Watching The Duggars

There is something definitely unique about having a large family in today's culture. There is something even more unique when you have a family Duggar-sized. Many people, including myself, are intrigued by this special family and how they make everything work.




To get a glimpse into their daily lives and glean wisdom from their experience, I've read their books (The Duggars: 20 and Counting!: Raising One of America's Largest Families--How they Do It and A Love That Multiplies: An Up-Close View of How They Make it Work). Recently Vision Forum offered a free Tea With Michelle Dugar video download if you liked the ministry on Facebook. From listening to Michelle share about motherhood in a conference setting, I desired to learn more from her on how she handles various challenges that come with raising multiple children. So I talked my husband into downloading the latest season on his computer, and we could watch the episodes on our TV through Apple TV . I also put in an inter-library loan request for 18 Kids and Counting: Season 2.  We just finished watching all the episodes. Today (Black Friday), Christianbook.com has 17 Kids & Counting, Season 1 on sale for $3.99 (plus lots of other great family-friendly movies on sale)!

What we all love about watching these videos is they offer inspiration and serve as a fine model for family life. Quite frankly, whether you have one children or eleven, they're just a great example to us all. You may not agree with all their personal convictions (such as making sure their knees are always fully clothed), but you can't help but appreciate (and learn from) Michelle's calm and gentle spirit with her children. I can certainly strive to emulate that same grace with my children--a family one-fifth the size of hers.

In an era where not much on TV is wholesome or family-friendly (I heard Glee just featured a teen girl losing her virginity and two teenage boys lost theirs to each other), watching the Duggars is family-viewing at its finest. Unlike Jon and Kate Plus 8, which left me feeling sad and depressed to see how she treated her husband (while they were still married), watching the Duggars is uplifting. I love that we all, from our three-year old to my husband, can find a nugget of wisdom to take away from each episode, whether it's watching how the siblings treat each other, how they handle homeschool, how Michelle and Jim Bob respond to the children's energy and activity levels in the house, and more. They're a great example to me of not easily becoming agitated or short-tempered, but understanding that kids are kids--rules within reason but don't hyperventilate when a child is climbing on top of the couch or trying to climb up the window.

If you didn't come from a home where Christian family-life was modeled well, or even if you did, I think you'll find taking a peek into the Duggar's home can help us all learn to do it better. At the very least, you'll be inspired and encouraged that raising your family to love God and each other is one of the most important things you'll ever do.

Sharing with:
The Better Mom Mondays

Motherhood and the Maple Tree

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Motherhood is like a maple tree. Numerous demands on our time and attention tap our sweet syrup. Our love pours out into little lives (and not-so-little lives), filling their buckets. But sometimes, we find our sap is slowing to a trickle.  

This trend of needing at times, to intentionally choose to show love is common to all moms. So common, in fact, that the Bible addresses it. In Paul's letter to Titus , he encourages older women to train the younger women to love their husbands and their children? Doesn't that just come naturally? Why would anyone need to be trained in it?

I think I have a clue...

The Greek word for "love" in that text is "phileo," which is the friendship type of love. After the initial "I'm-so-in-love-with-you" feelings wear off (for either our husbands or our newborns, but I'll focus on our kids in this post), we could use help to keep on loving our children in the friendship sort of way. They can annoy us, disobey us, test our patience, and sometimes just plain drive us nuts. We love them unconditionally for life, but at times, we need training and encouragement to continue to like them, to love them in a friendship sort of way. (See this post for raising our kids so we like them). We still need to tap our sweet syrup into their lives in a cheerful way.

I love what Jean Blackmer has to say on this topic:

"It's easier to love our children unconditionally when they are newborns. Nothing compares to that experience. And thank God he lets us experience that type of love for our babies--so that when they're toddlers throwing a temper tantrum at the park, we remember how much we love them, even though we might not feel it right at that moment...

As time passes, we forget those days of snuggling with our baby. We forget the smell of the lotion we slather on their bodies. And we don't always feel love. Sometimes love becomes a choice. We choose to love even when we don't feel like it, and this choice will be easier if we practice loving intentionally." -- Jean Blackmer, MomSense: A Common-Sense Guide to Confident Mothering

So when we find this type of love for our children needs to be poured out in a little higher concentration in our lives, where can we turn to find this practical help?

• Our relationship with the Lord. Insight through Scripture, prayer and the Holy Spirit
• Older moms whom we admire
• Peer moms who can share what they're learning, what's helping them
• Inspirational books and articles on motherhood (I love aboverubies.org and the free Above Rubies newsletter, as well as Nancy Campbell's book The Power of Motherhood: What the Bible Says About Mothers)
• Teaching resources (audio messages on motherhood, etc.)
• Blog posts from Christian ministry leaders and others with a passionate heart toward mothering (I find so much encouragement at itakejoy.com) 

In conclusion, choosing to love our kids in a friendly way does sometimes take a little intentionality. When they're pestering us with the same request for the 20th time in a day, or they're disobeying or otherwise irritating us, we're not allowed to just turn a cold shoulder, to shove the lid on our syrup bucket, and say, in essence, "No more kind love for you today." We need to train ourselves to love them in a friendly-sort-of way still.

Some posts I've loved lately are:

• Building Requires a Plan, and a Whole Lot of Work
• When the Milkshake Runs Low

(linked up with Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers)

Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches

As moms in need of mercy, we care about being good moms, we desire to become better moms. As we grow in Christ and seek to become more godly mothers, we find there's always at least one area where we can work to improve.

In this journey of sanctification, resources like blogs and books that meet us where we're at when we're struggling and inspire us to new heights are treasured gems. They renew our vision and refresh our spirits. 

That's how I felt when I came across a copy of Loving The Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic--a young mother of five, ages five and under. Reading this book felt like having a heart-to-heart talk with a great friend or mentor, where what they say just clicks, and you go away encouraged and motivated.

The book is a quick, but deeply enriching, read. Chapters are short--like reading blog posts. As Rachel writes, it's a "loose collection of thoughts on mothering young children--for when you are motivated, for when you are discouraged, for the times when discipline seems fruitless, and for when you are just plain old tired."

My only complaint is I found it a little too short in places. I wish she would have elaborated more on some topics and flushed out more practical suggestions in areas, such as dealing with the chaos that comes along with multiple little children. However, as Christians, we have a relationship with Christ and fellow believers, the Bible and the Holy Spirit to help instruct us and guide us in wisdom.

I'd love to share with you everything I loved about this book, but that would require more space than this post allows. So here are a few of my favorite excerpts from the book:

• "As you deal with your children, deal with yourself always and first. This is what it looks like and feels like to walk with God as a mother."
• The spirit in which we correct our children: "When they disobey, do you talk about your own hurt? Are you pointing to all the work that you have to do now that they screwed up? Do you want to elaborate at all on how bad, bad, bad that particular thing was?...Now try thinking of discipline as a different kind of nourishment--a sweet means of grace to your children."
• "Flunking" a bad day: '"Child number one was a huge pill all day. Child number two was crying and fussing and fighting with child number one. children three and four were just as bad, but I don't know what they were doing, but everyone was terrible, terrible terrible...A F minus for the whole class...'" (she follows with a challenging conviction to moms on what to do if days like that have been happening a bit too often.)
• Helpful tips for teaching kids to manage their emotions
• Encouragement to renew our perspective on mothering. Do we feel overwhelmed? Rachel writes, "God gave me to do this. I may not be overwhelmed about it. I can try as hard as I can, and maybe fail sometimes. I can try as hard as I can and fall asleep at the dinner table. I can try as hard as I can and be completely burned out at the end of the day. But I may not be overwhelmed. Actually, I may be overwhelmed, but I may not say that I am overwhelmed! The words have a real power over us."
• Great points for not blowing our tops when multiple children are doing multiple things at the simultaneous time. (This section inspired this post).
• A fresh perspective on "me" time
• Dealing with the "ambiguous restlessness in the house" during a time of change (such as giving up naps). Rachel writes that it's only a problem when Mom refuses to have a growth spurt herself and suggests Mom finds a creative way to deal with the new needs.
• Thinking of yourself as a "racquetball court": taking the blows our children send our way and not bouncing them back at them, but absorbing them and finding ways to soften them.
• Suggestions on sibling rivalry and handling the all-too-common fights over toys
• A challenge to get rid of the alarm clock when you have a nursing baby. Do we really need to know how much we were up with the baby and how little sleep we got?
• A beautiful section on teaching expectations and instilling obedience: "God will give you the kind of overwhelming joy that cannot remember the details. Motherhood is hard work. It is repetitious and often times menial. Accept it. Rejoice in it..."

I came away from reading this book feeling like Rachel was a kindred spirit, the kind of friend where you sit and have coffee while the children play and you have a great (but often interrupted) conversation about the real meat of mothering: our hearts, and how to find God's mercy in all the messy moments.

Reading the book was such a blessing to me, I'd like to offer the same experience to you. Cannon Press has graciously agreed to give away two copies of the book (US and Canada entries only, please.) I will draw two random winners next week Thursday. If you'd like to win, please leave a comment on this post, including your contact information. Winners will have 24 hours to respond, or another winner will be chosen.

Schedules and Sin

There's the saying that you can't control interruptions to your schedule. I would modify that to add: you can make the perfect schedule, but you can't control the sin. What I mean is, as a full-time mom with children at home, you're bound to encounter lots of sin during the day. Chalk it up to strong-willed children, disobedience, overtiredness, hunger, sibling rivalry and whatever else causes bumps along the way in the course of a day. While rough moments can indeed be chalked up to any and all of those issues, for the sake of keeping it short and sweet, I'll just call it sin.

It seems as though our sin, our children's sin, is more noticeable when we're trying to operate on a schedule. In the evening, we can create what looks like, on paper, to be the perfect schedule for the coming day. We imagine the day running smoothly, peacefully, joyfully.

And then our feet hit the floor in the morning. We're off and running, and so is the sin. Maybe it's the squabble over who sits where at breakfast that escalates to pinching, hitting, or biting. Maybe it's who-took-whose toy and won't give it back. Maybe it's the mean things one said to another. Maybe it's the failure to obey promptly. Perhaps it's all of those and more. We see the sin. It tangles up our perfectly planned schedule. It throws us off-course.

While we can't anticipate what kind of behavior our children (or others in our lives) will display during our "planned" day, we can control how we personally respond when confronted with the sometimes ugly realities of imperfect people. We can choose to stay in the Spirit, and remain patient and calm, lovingly guiding and directing our children and those who come our way. Or we can give in to the frustration and lose our cool completely. (Please don't think that just because I'm writing this, I epitomize the former).

How do we remain in the Spirit of Christ? By His divine grace, which we pray for. But also, the Bible says to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling (Phil. 2:12). There is a work on our part, aided by the Holy Spirit, "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." (Phil. 2:13). I reflected today on the fact that we are to resist sin. As moms, I think this means we are to resist giving into blowing our tops. Resist.

"Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood" [as Jesus did]. (Hebrews 12:4).

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." (1 Peter 5:10, bold mine).

"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience..." (Col. 1: 10-11, bold mine).

Here's to planning tomorrow's schedule (reminding myself that it will not be as pretty in real life as it looks on paper)! Praying for great endurance and patience, and the grace and strength to resist giving into sin.

Related post: A Day With No Sin

On Being Pleasant

Confession: I haven't been a particularly pleasant person to be around the past few days. I hope you wouldn't notice this outside of my home, but my family would probably attest to the fact that I've been short and snappy with them--and things in general--more often than not.

 

Have I felt justified? Sure. I may have plenty of reasons for being unpleasant, but those don't matter. I need to be pleasant. In fact, I think we are all called to be. Here's a few good reasons why:

• 1 Cor. 13:4, 5--"Love is patient, love is kind...It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs."
• Ephesians 4:32--"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
• 1 Thess. 5:15--"Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (I think the "praying continually" is where we gain the grace and find the strength to fulfill all that this verse calls us to.)
• Titus 2:5 younger women are called "to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind..." (bold mine)
• Gal. 5:22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

 I read this today and think it also ties in well (and is a great verse when it comes to training our children:
"A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult." (Proverbs 12:16)

I think what it boils down to is--when we try to take on too much, we too easily snap. I didn't realize it fully until my mom said she feels like I'm on overload (definition: "too load too heavily, an excessive load.")
Gosh. I don't feel like I'm loaded too heavily or carrying an excessive load (after all, I just delivered our seven pound baby!).

Loving my husband and my children, looking after our needs and caring for my home are not heavy burdens; they are my calling and my delight. But somewhere in there the transmission went on the fritz. Nothing that can't be repaired with a healthy dose of prayer, Scripture, reflection, great heart-to-heart talks with my husband and even with the children.

Today I knew I had to lighten the load. At first, I felt a little anxious taking large chunks of time away from responsibilities inside the house to spend time enjoying the beautiful day outside with my kids. But then I realized being with them was exactly what I needed to be doing. So we took blankets, a book, the baby, and a big cup of water and spent the entire afternoon outside on the lawn doing nothing but being together and enjoying each other. And it was so refreshing.

I reread this today, and it says it all so perfectly:

"When your first baby was born, chances are you treated him with the utmost kindness and careful respect. I'm willing to bet that child never heard you yell for the first couple of years. But as he grew and you added to your family, as the pressure to meet the needs of many individuals mounted, you became a taskmaster. The focus in your relationship shifted in subtle waves over time. Now, you are utterly exhausted and those relationships you hold most dear have deteriorated...

We are in authority over our children. God put us there. That does not mean that we must be tyrants. That does not give us license to berate, belittle, or scream at them. That does not allow us to excuse our own weakness and impatience. Remember: Charity, above all. Be a friend to your child. Listen with interest. Speak with courtesy. Think of him as a friend...

What does this have to do with burnout? Everything. When you treat your children as treasured friends, so much of the tension that has built in your household will dissipate. You will begin to relax and enjoy your role as a mother. You will recapture the exuberance and innocence of those early days. You will once again delight in the humorous antics and refreshing sweetness of little children. You will savor long and interesting conversations with a young teenager who is just beginning to make sense of the world. Mama will be happier, and so will her children"--Elizabeth Foss, Real Learning: Education in the Heart of the Home

To sum it up: Stress over lesser things stopped me from savoring those who matter to me most. It made me uptight and unpleasant. I think I've got it lined out now. These experiences are all profitable if we reflect on them and grow in grace, becoming more Christlike, through them.

Coffee Talk: Dealing with Chaos to the nth Degree

No baby yet; just a busy week around here! For today's Coffee Talk, I thought I'd share a reflection that has really helped me grow in grace with motherhood.

The potential for chaos expands as the number of children grows. With only one child, a tantrum or a whining spell may certainly be difficult to endure, but it is still much easier than dealing with two tantrums at the same time, or two kids whining about something, which is easier than three, and on and on as we add more children to the mix. At the same time, the kids may be behaving fairly well, with no one child doing anything particularly horrendous (let's say playing with finger paints). But the sheer combination of multiple children doing multiple things or making multiple messes can really stress us out. The sum is greater than the parts.

I read a recent example about kitchen helpers. One child wanting to help mix up a batch of cookie dough would be endearing. "Mommy, can I help you measure and mix?" Melts your heart. We have all the patience in the world for those kind of sweet bonding moments. But when three small children are clamoring on chairs all at the same time, and asking--all at the same time--to help add ingredients and mix, our blood pressure rises beyond what is natural. We went from a charming memory to a stressed-out situation where Mom is fighting to keep her cool, simply by adding more kids to the mix.  But it's not their fault; they're each individually trying to do what would be endearing to us if they were the only one doing it. It's just that the whole is greater than the parts. But it's up to us to find the grace to deal with these situations--to stay calm in our own spirits while still seeing them as individuals in a collective group.

So when I've found myself approaching my maximum tolerance level, I pray for more grace for the moment, and I remind myself that I should not react to my children as a collective group, but as individuals. See and respond to what each one individually is doing; don't lose it with all of them when maybe only one out of three (soon-to-be four) needs focused attention or discipline. Does that make sense?

As I was thinking through all of this, I came across this excellent post, which offers more encouragement on not allowing ourselves to hit the tipping point. Here's an excerpt:

 "Throughout your day you may have several opportunities to lose the grip. You don’t need to. You may pass up that opportunity. Having the feeling is not the indisputable sign that this must happen. Losing the bubble is a conscious decision that you can avoid making. It takes “getting the grace” to pass it by. I think we all know what it is like to have a great big emotional door in front of us. You may charge on through, or turn and pass it by. When you feel the emotional surge coming at you (a bit like sitting at the top of a slide), get the grace. Hold your tongue, and blow it out. Pray that God will give you self control. Walk away from it. It is much harder to get off a slide while screaming around the second corner half way down with your hair blowing in the wind. Also harder for your husband to get you off the slide.  Just don’t go down it. Much better for everyone!"--Grace on the Fly

I would love for us to have a coffee talk as moms about situations when we're most tempted to blow the gasket and how we can stop ourselves. I'd love to hear how you've grown in grace in this regard and any wisdom you've come upon that can help us all. Blessings!

The Noodles of Wrath

A few months ago, I scored some pasta for free. We don't really have a pantry in our house, so I was storing the extra packages downstairs in a box. The boys' room is downstairs, too, and they often play down there.

On a rainy morning a few days ago, the boys were playing fairly well together. Of course, this always makes moms happy, and I felt a little looser about checking on them as often as usual. First mistake. Second mistake was not to get a clue when one of my boys came in the kitchen to see what I was doing, and I asked him if they were getting into mischief. "No, mommy. I just came up to check on if you were getting into mischief up here." Hilarious!

They were playing well together, but their play was mischievous. The worst act was getting into a box of whole wheat pasta, and breaking the noodles clear from one end of the basement to the other--ending in their bedroom closet. Noodles can't really be vacuumed up; they have to be picked up by hand. There were hundreds to pick up. Not a fun game of pick up sticks for a very pregnant mother. (My gracious husband took care of it later that day).

What is it about situations like this--the unexpected finds--that cause us to just completely lose it? Someone once wrote about "simmering in wrath." (Here's the article). I felt that that day. I know I needed to get out of it. "Justified anger should fade quickly with the removal of the provocation. Do not entertain the grievance overnight. If the anger lingers until nightfall it is no longer a natural reaction to injustice; it is simmering wrath." ("Angry Children")

At times like that, it's best for me to take the kids and get out of the house. Even if I'm still frustrated (which I usually am), at least the environment changes. There's other stuff to think about and focus on than what happened at home. Plus, we're in a public place, and that simple fact helps to keep our emotions and words to our children in check.

So we had some rough moments with the noodles of wrath, but we got it cleaned up--inside our hearts and in our home. Learning lessons every day...

Love this Psalm: "May your mercy come quickly to meet us, for we are in desperate need." (Psalm 79:8).

If Momma Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy

While I cringe at it grammatically, I'm sure we've all heard the phrase, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Perhaps we've all felt justified in dragging down the mood of our homes on our bad days. I know I've certainly felt that way, thinking, "I'm sorry you're probably having a bad day because I'm having a bad day, but sorry, that's just that way it is today."

However...

In  Family Fragrance: Practical intentional ways to fill your home with the aroma of love , the authors state that children (and husbands of course!) have a right to live in and count on an atmosphere in the home that is "fair, consistent, and predictable." They write, "That does not leave out the qualities of mystique that add interest, but it does rule out mood swings that may make children wonder or worry if Dad or Mom is going to be in a bad mood from a tough day at work [or at home]. Family members need to be able to rely on the fragrance in their home to be consistent and predictable" [bold mine].

So how can we turn a bad mood around?

Here's some great advice for "mood replacement therapy" from the book:

"When He sensed the quick downswing of the moods of the disciples after He notified them that He was leaving, Jesus changed the atmosphere with some fragrant words: I want you peaceful, untroubled, and unafraid (John 14:27)."

• "Be peaceful--by believing He is in control. Jesus did not offer His disciples a worldly absence of conflict. He offered them HIS peace--a peace that has God at its center and His will is in control...
• Be Untroubled--by dwelling on His peace. We become troubled when we dwell on the unknown and the 'what if's' of every circumstance...A troubled spirit only serves to deepen trouble itself.
• Be Unafraid--by having a heart of faith. Dwelling on uncertainties and problems leads to eventual acquiescence to fear. Fear rushes to the chair where faith once sat. Fear blocks potential faith and steals our serenity."

Isn't that great? Reading this convicted me that I am not justified in carrying around a bad attitude. For the sake of my family (and certainly my own spirit), I need to snap out of it by putting my relationship with Christ into practice and allowing the Holy Spirit to change my natural response to things. I can pray and focus on Christ's words to essentially be peaceful, untroubled and unafraid. Then, as we better control our moods, we can also model proper attitudes for our children and teach them to become healthy adults by not feeling justified to slip into a sour mood.

Another great quote:
"Creating a soothing fragrance in our homes, we face a multitude of choices that require maturity." So we can choose if we're going to harbor resentment, frustration, irritation, injustice, etc., or if we're going to let it go for the benefit of ourselves and all those around us.

"We who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city." (Proverbs 16:32).

For more on this wonderful, practical book, see also: The Fragrance of Beauty in Our Homes

What do you think about bad moods? Do you agree that we should not linger in them for the benefit of all around us? How do you intentionally shed one?

Coffee Talk Thursday: Family Matters

You may have heard the tragic news story this week about the mother who drove her minivan in the Hudson River with her four young children inside. Only one child, her oldest son, escaped. Everyone else drowned.

While I can't begin to presume what drove her to such a drastic action, one news account said that she stated to a child care worker that she felt "so alone." This worker said, "She's a single parent. She takes great care of her kids, goes to school and works. She really needed a helping hand."

We all have bad days. Most of us, however, have support networks (primarily our husbands) to help us through those tough times. But when you're a single parent, or your husband is on active duty in the military or travelling for work, everything falls on you to deal with. It can be very, very stressful. Perhaps it was so stressful for this young mother that it drove her over the deep end.

I've been thinking lately about why family matters so much. Both my husband's parents and mine live hours away. We don't see them all that often. It can feel very isolating. When our parents do visit--even if for just a weekend--it just feels better, lighter in some way, like we're not as alone as we might feel on other days (however subconsciously).

Before she switched to Sirius satellite radio, I listened almost daily to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the radio. She was a big proponent of living near family, even if it meant a move. The simple fact is you have help. Parenting still falls primarily on you and your spouse, but you have a larger network to share some of the responsibility.  If you're having a rough day, you can call your mom (or dad, or in-laws) and see if she can watch the kids for you for an hour while you run out for a quick sanity break. Even if you're not having a bad day, having the grandparents take the kids to lunch or to the park is a welcome refreshment for everyone.

In the absence of family nearby, I think we just have to be more creative with finding support systems. Sure, I could call a friend on a really rough day, but most of my friends have small children of their own, and I don't want to ask if they would mind watching mine for an hour. But there's always the option of meeting friends at the park or another place where the kids can play. Or you can take your children out on your own and just get out of the house for a bit. All good sanity savers.

While not having family in town can make the parenting journey more stressful at times, it also means that, in many ways,  your family unit will be tighter knit. That's because you all have to rely on each other. You'll have to find ways to work through stuff, because there's no one else to run to. It's like a yo-yo: you may get grouchy or impatient, and everyone pulls in their own direction for a bit, but at the end of the day, you come together again. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, as the Bible teaches.

The saddest part of the story for me of the mom and her children is that, in her final minutes, she realized she was making a mistake. ABC News reports she tried to put her van in reverse, but it was too late. I wonder how different it all could have been if she could have had some better coping mechanisms, or some family or close friends to turn to for support.

Fighting Discouragement & A Cookie Flop

Coffee Talk Thursday



Take some bad days, add enough of them together in a row, and discouragement will soon set in. At least it does for me.  Once I hit the bottom of that downward slide, I just pull away. I didn't feel like blogging, or doing much else for that matter for the last few days. Except I did make time for journaling, reflecting, and longer-than-usual Scripture reading (I don't think it helped that my Bible reading plan put me in the beginning chapters of Job; today I switched to Philippians, and that helped cheer my outlook).

What I learned can be summed up like this: I can't hold grudges. I don't really hold grudges against adults, but my children? The ugly truth is I can hold a good grudge against one or more of them for a full day. They misbehave in the morning (or the afternoon) or whenever, and I can deal with it calmly, but if the pattern of misbehavior continues (or if the behavior was particularly heinous), it's much harder for me to simply discipline them, talk about it, forgive them, and move on. I may think I have done all of those things, but I haven't. I carry the irritation, the disappointment, sometimes yes, the anger around with me all day. It makes for one bad day. For all of us.

When I am upset, I become more sullen. I withdraw, becoming more emotionally distant, especially from my kids. I think the patterns we are raised with are ever so hard to break, no matter how desperately we desire to not repeat the same mistakes.

Here are some questions I asked myself during the past few days:

• When we pray and ask God to change our spirits, how exactly does that happen?  (I think God does His unseen work through the Holy Spirit, but we really have to try on our ends to discipline our thoughts and let Him help us change our attitudes)
• If I could turn back time, how would I have handled the situations that made me so upset differently? What can I learn from them? How can they be redemptive?

I think the bottom line for me is--

"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." (Proverbs 10:19)

After our mall fiasco, on the way home, I went on and on about the boy's behavior and why it was so wrong. I think I hurt their feelings beyond what was called for. I asked them later how they would have preferred I handled it, and both of my boys basically said I could have just said--"in a nice voice"--that what they did was wrong, here's why, and they would be disciplined when we got home. End of story. I could have done that. I should have done that. Dealt with it calmly, dropped the grudge, and moved on with the day, leaving that all behind us.  Lessons learned, for all of us. 

Now for a little humor...

Yesterday, when the hours from 3:00 until 5:00pm felt like they would drag on forever, I asked the boys if there was anything they wanted to do. They wanted to make cookies, so we tried to make our favorite cookie recipe. In between trying to keep everything straight as little hands wanted to dump in ingredients, and boys needed help in the bathroom, I forgot to add the oatmeal into the butterscotch oatmeal cookies. I didn't think the batter looked quite right as I was portioning it on the cookie sheets, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I wish the digital camera still worked to show you what the cookies looked like. They were terrible! Picture batter flattened all over a cookie sheet into a  giant, thin, greasy mess, with a bag's worth of butterscotch chips poking out. I scraped them and dumped them (the boys managed to eat a few and were so happy that we made cookies, they never once complained about how messed up they were). What a waste of butter and chips, but I suppose it is healthier for us that way!

So how do you turn a bad day around? What lessons have you learned to get over it?

(linked to Small Steps)

The Fragrance of Beauty in our Homes

When you think about when you love your home the most, or when you most enjoy being at others' homes, is it because something there delights your senses?  Probably the answer is yes.

The most welcoming atmospheres usually evoke positive sensory experiences. Maybe there is a candle burning, or another form of fragrance and the house smells good; it is relatively tidy and looks warm and cozy; perhaps there is soft music playing and it sounds nice; most likely, there is food or beverages prepared and available for your visit (or your guests).  All of this fills makes you feel pleasant and peaceful.

In  Family Fragrance: Practical intentional ways to fill your home with the aroma of love , J. Otis and Gail Ledbetter share the power our senses have upon our perceptions--for good and for bad. "It is through the senses," they write, "that an overpowering desire is created within the human soul to stay connected with the home, or to separate and remove oneself."

The gist of the message is that we want our homes to not only look and smell nice, but to feel nice. We want our children and our spouses to learn that the aroma of the home will be consistent and uplifting, not filled with moodiness, impatience and tension. They write, "The Apostle Paul talks about the atmosphere we create when we live our lives before believers and unbelievers alike: 'But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.'" (2 Cor. 2: 14-15 NIV).

While we will all have bad days, the acrostic they use to help us aim for a peaceful atmosphere with our families in our homes is AROMA:

Affection
Respect

Order

Merriment

Affirmation

"If a sweet aroma is to be accomplished, it will take a determined focus on our part. It will require an intentional effort."

So at the close of this Messy Monday, I'd love for us to think about how we can create a pleasant aroma in our homes. What is one practical thing we can do to improve relationships within our home? What is one practical thing we can do to make our home feel more welcoming? (On my end, we are working on teaching the boys not to give into the sinful nature and fight physically when they're upset at each other; I am also aiming to set the table a bit more nicely, so at least some nights of the week it feels like a special celebration, instead of the same old-same old).


"A caring aroma that is inviting and inspiring can be created with a little time, effort, and creative thinking. How can you create an intoxicating family atmosphere in your home? How can you draw your children in?" -- Family Fragrance: Practical intentional ways to fill your home with the aroma of love

Worth Reading

Through a link on Making Home, I stumbled upon a blog new to me--I Take Joy. Many of the posts refreshed my spirit and inspired me in mothering. A post I found particularly thought-provoking was called "First-time obedience, really?" .

I am not linking to this with the intention of starting the debate about first-time obedience here on my blog. I have no problem with training our children with the expectation of first-time obedience. After all, I do not want to nag my boys to do something five times, or even for a half hour (like reminding them over and over again to get their socks and boots on so we could go for a walk this afternoon). They should obey the first time they are asked. In a perfect world, they always would.

But since we are not living in a perfect world, they will not always obey the first time they are asked. And they may likely meet with discipline. I say "may," because there may be a good reason why they didn't move like a little robot when asked, such as perhaps they were just finishing up a project and were planning on doing what Mom asked immediately when finished in just a minute. Harsh discipline in that instance may just be too harsh. That kind of harshness chronically can create bitter hearts.

What I really came away with from the post was to remember that in our child training and discipline, we need to avoid the anger that can result when we feel a need to control a child's behavior, and the harshness that can result from disciplining for lack of first-time obedience.

I also loved what she wrote about not disciplining boys for not behaving like mild-mannered girls. Outright disobedience is one thing, but harshly disciplining one's personality (which may be more loud and active) is another.

Good food for thought...

Here is an excerpt from the post:

"First, we must understand that all discipline should be focused on the heart–not the behavior. Over 800 times in scripture, God talks about the heart–Love the Lord with all of your heart. God searches to and fro for a heart that is completely his. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart... And yet I see many extroverts being disciplined for being louder and more talkative (not rebellion–a personality issue–or boys for being boys–moms who want them to behave like a little lady, etc.)...

And so, when we discipline our children, we must learn to look at their hearts. Is their heart rebellious? Are they being willful? Am I expecting too much for them–their age, their level of over-stimulation, the circumstances, their maturity level, their abilities? A child should not be punished for being exhausted, immature, a boy, or for making a mistake. I make mistakes all the time, again and again. And yet scripture teaches in the new testament and the old that maturity is as a result of training, time, growth, heart and will."--Sally Clarkson, I Take Joy.

Another post that clarifies her position: http://www.itakejoy.com/part-2-of-the-mystery-of-discipline/