What Do We Want Them to Remember?

A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine who lived across the street growing up and is now a mother of four (soon-to-be five) suffered a stroke. People all over the world have been praying for her, and those prayers are powerfully working! She was moved out of ICU, into rehab, and is now home, where she is working to regain full mobility. Please keep her (Amanda) and her young family in your prayers.

Her stroke happened at night, while she and husband were talking before bed.

I wondered if something like that should happen to me, where there was no guarantee I would ever be the same again, what would I want my children and my husband to remember of me? How would I have spent the last day as me, as I am now?

Would I want the kids to remember that, while they were outside playing, Mom was in the house, doing chores and (gasp) spending time on the computer? That perhaps many of my interactions with them involved scolding and impatience?

 Photo Credit

Or would I want them to remember that, even though dishes and laundry had to be washed, dried, and put away, Mom kept a playful, light-hearted spirit? That, whenever possible and practical, they were involved in the work and made to feel special and valuable for being such great helpers? And that we had plenty of fun times together, too?

Sure, work has to be done to keep our families functioning smoothly. But I want to be sure I'm taking time to hit the bull's eye of their heart with a special connection each day. That's what I would want them to remember if tomorrow I should not be quite the same as today. May I commit to live tomorrow as I would want to have lived today.

Sharing with:
Women Living Well
Raising Homemakers

From The Looney Comes The Deep

It's been quiet here on the blog for a bit; quiet on the computer, but full of life at home, as I think it should be for this season of raising littles. But more on that in a future post! 

***

Monday, after dropping off our mini-van at the body shop for some repair work due to a parking lot dent that no one claimed responsibility for, we fit four car seats in a tan courtesy-rental Ford Taurus (which one son calls the "Ford Tortoise," and another nicknamed the "Tan-tan-tangerina") and stopped quickly at the grocery store on the way home. As any mom knows, a "quick" trip with kids, just to get a few things for dinner, is really never quick. (One of my friends has a seven-minute guideline that I think is great: if you're taking your crew in a store, she aims to be in and out in seven minutes).

One of the first displays was the fireworks--which aren't really fireworks in our county, but rather, popping things that release tons of tiny bits of paper. Tried it once. Never again. Yet, my sons yearned for them throughout the store. It went something like this,

"Mom, please? I'll use my own money. I'll pay you back at home."
"No."
"Please, Mom?"
"No."
"Mom, I promise I'll do all my chores for a whole week. Could I get them, then?"
"No."
"Mom, I promise I'll pick up all the paper that comes out. Can I please get them?"
"No, put them back."
"Do you think Dad would get them for me?"
"No."

Finally, the "fire"-works were put back. Except one son opened a package and tried to stuff two poppers down his pants. He was caught (by his brother, who told me), corrected, and apologized to an assistant store manager.

As I was fielding fireworks questions, one son said, "Mom, I have to go poo-". (I am trying to train them to simply announce that they need to use the bathroom--not announce what they need to do in it!). Off to the family restroom we went, where I waited outside the door with the baby asleep in her carseat in the cart, and where one son kept running over to drool at the fireworks display.

"Are you done yet?"
"Nope." (Repeat several times).
 "Mom, I'm done!"

 Helped him, washed hands, and off we went...or so I thought.

Another son exclaimed, "Mom, I have to go poo- too!" Repeat same scenario.

Made it out of the store without much further fanfare.

That evening, after the kids were in bed and my husband was home, I headed to another store. In the check-out lane, a woman in her sixties, I'd say, wearing a long, gray wool coat (even though it was in the 90s outside) and best fitting the description of the witch in Looney Tunes but minus the green face and pointy nose, came right up to me, got a foot from my face, pointed her finger at me and said,
"If you're related to Fred and Jerry, you tell them..."
"Mam," I interrupted, "I have no idea who you're talking about. I don't know those people."
Unfazed, she continued in a worked-up voice,
"You tell them they're exiled! Exiled! You all need to get the [expletive] out of town--every last one of you. I don't want anything to do with anyone of you." (and on and on she went, while I politely reasserted she had the wrong person and then began to tune her out).

As she decided maybe I didn't know Fred or Jerry after all and started to walk back to her check-out lane, she turned, and very loudly for all the other customers to hear, shouted, "Well, your NOSE JOB looks real good, by the way."

I just started laughing and said, "I've never had plastic surgery in my life. This is the same nose I was born with, thanks!"

What an event... The cashier next to my lane was quite upset about the ordeal and wanted to reassure me that Albertson's protects its customers. She walked me out to my vehicle. I called the manager to talk to him the next day about it, because if a customer is that unstable, who knows what she might do to someone else?

At home, after unloading groceries, I pondered through what all had happened. It was somewhat unsettling. And who were Fred and Jerry, and why was she so upset at them? Was she schizophrenic, and they were imaginary? Was she under the influence of something? Were they real people who had hurt her terribly?
I don't know.

But I did know that, however uncomfortable I felt, she went home and probably felt worse. It seems like she battles some real problems. Big problems. I wondered why her path crossed mine and why she unloaded on me like that.

Then it hit me--

Could it be I was supposed to pray for her? Could it be I was the only one in this crazy circle of Fred and Jerry (and whoever else was exiled?) that would actually care about her spiritual condition and pray for her?

So often, whether it's training our children and correcting them as they do wrong, or meeting messed-up people, rather than feeling wronged by them, what if we took them to the throne of grace, instead? It's there we all find mercy and receive grace to help in our time of need.

Sharing with:
Raising Homemakers
Women Living Well

Sugar Ants & Pesky Habits

Sugar ants (technically pavement ants), which are tiny--only about a millimeter in length--decided to check out what kind of yummy morsels they could find on my kitchen counters. The only problem--they're not welcome in my house. Try telling them that.

When I discovered them, I sprayed them with 409 and wiped them away. The rascals (well, new ones) came back. Repeat spray-and-wipe procedure. They repeated their return. My husband put an ant trap on the counter. That helped a little, but more showed up later. This was all starting to really gross me out.

Fast-forward to the next day, lunch-time.

The scene: making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for my kids.
The drama: I thought the counter was clean enough, so I laid the bread right on the counter without a cutting board, and began to spread the peanut butter, then the jelly, on the sandwiches. I put the sandwiches on paper plates and discovered a few tiny little ants crawling on the sandwiches. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Checked the knife I used for the peanut butter. They were on it. Checked the peanut butter. They were in it. More yuck. Threw the peanut butter away.

Decided to investigate where these ants were coming from, and where else they were in my kitchen. Looked in our main food cabinet. Yep. They were not only on the shelves, they were climbing vertically up the sides of the cabinet to reach other shelves. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

At this point, I had a royal freak-out. I started throwing things out of the cabinets, spraying the shelves down, and trying to figure out where the ants were getting in at. (Sometimes spring cleaning is more out of necessity than desire).

I went over to the computer to search for ways to eliminate sugar ants once and for all. Found some helpful tips, but this information only added to my anxiety. Here's how you wipe out and control a sugar ant invasion:

• Keep your counter tops immaculate. Spray with bleach water, or vinegar water after every meal or snack.
• Sweep and mop your floor with either bleach or vinegar water after every meal.
• Apparently, the ants will follow pheromone trails, so the bleach or vinegar will destroy their scent trails.

 Easy advice for a naturally neat person to follow, but for me?

What so overwhelmed me about this was:
1) my kitchen counters are nowhere near immaculate. Getting them spotless in the next fifteen minutes (which was the urgency I felt) caused me to panic, along with questions of how would I ever keep them spotless if I succeeded in getting them spotless in the first place?
2) Mop your floor after every meal? I am lucky if I can mop once a week.

Right then, it felt like all the issues that have been causing some tension for some time (the kids leaving toys on the floor—which I needed to mop NOW, not confining their eating only to the table, etc.) exploded. I had a major rant-and-rave session, which included comments, like, “You all need to help more with chores”, “There is too much for me to do by myself!”, “We have way too many toys!”, “I’m sick of always picking up your toys. I’m just going to start throwing them away” and on and on. At one point, my son said, “Oh no. This is just getting way too serious. We’re still only kids, Mom.” Hilarious!

I realized then, as I have realized in times before, than I fall back on a pattern I was raised with of trying to spur my children to action through using guilt and shame. It’s terrible, I know, but like any bad habit that rears its ugly head, it can be hard to break.

Ironically, while mopping the floor, a Christian radio broadcast was discussing the topic of anger. How do you handle it when it’s gotten out of control and is hurting your family? One woman called in to say that she learned to recognize her triggers and then take appropriate actions to address her stress without losing her composure.

I realized then that the sugar ants were a metaphor for my own spiritual condition. My struggle is how I react when stressed to the max. But for someone else, it may be a different problem. Am I going to keep spraying and wiping the ants I see on the counter each day, or am I going to take the necessary (although difficult) steps to defeat the problem for good?

We can keep spraying and keep wiping (dealing only with the surface problem), but if we don’t target the source, the ants will keep coming back. Sometimes, we’re forced to deal with our “ants.”  The pesticide for eliminating the “ants” we struggle with is repentance, prayer, and walking in the Spirit.

We cannot change any bad habit or sinful pattern of behavior without first recognizing that it is a problem and then confessing our shortcomings and need for help to our Maker and Savior. We pray, as King David prayed in Psalm 51:

"Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
    blot out my transgressions.
² Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight…

⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow…

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

¹⁷ My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.”

Once we’ve prayed, we walk in the Spirit. Christ’s presence with us will give us everything we need to overcome our sinful temptations and falling back into old patterns of behavior. We need to turn our minds to Him and ask for His mercy and grace.

(By the way, the counters managed to stay pretty clean for a few days—I wouldn’t say spotless, but close! And the ants are not coming back to the same places. I’m still struggling with maintaining the high level of cleanliness required to keep them at bay--it takes a lot of discipline, which can be difficult, especially with a sick baby who wants to be held all the time--but I’m growing. I’m growing spiritually, too. I'm grateful that God cares enough about me that He wants me to grow to become more like Him, and He'll help me do it--and you, too!)

Sharing with:
We are That Family (Works for Me Wednesday)

Women Living Well
Heavenly Homemakers (Gratituedsay) 
The Better Mom
Raising Arrows

Raising Homemakers

I Didn't Plan for Chaos

copyright Moms In Need of Mercy

Today was just a day. I didn't plan for it to be the way it was. But then again, I didn't really plan for success, either. Going to bed with nothing more than a vague plan for the coming day allowed a whole lot of chaos to enter in. Just the general structure of: "I'll get up, make some breakfast, throw in a load of laundry, start homeschool stuff, and maybe run some errands" just left way too much free time for everything to fall apart. And it did.

Although I have a homeschool routine down for my oldest son (he's six; it doesn't take that long), I didn't really have any structured activities for my other two boys, 3 and almost 5. So they made up their own. Really creative play with manipulatives, like dumping out our small crock that sits on the kitchen counter and holds spare change, keys, and other random items. Now this was all over the kitchen floor. Since baby sister is starting to crawl, and since I would like to avoid another coin-swallowing event, we had to get the change off the floor.

Today's obedience department was closed. But the disobedience section was full of customers. The sole clerk (Mom) grew tired meeting the back-to-back demand for attention and correction.

Really, it's the phone's fault. It rang way too much today. Despite my requests to please let the answering machine get it, sometimes, one of the boys just allowed his desire to be friendly to outweigh his desire to obey Mom--although today, I'm not sure there even was a desire to obey Mom...

So I'd get on the phone, and the boys would get into the cereal--even though they had just eaten lunch. I'd get off the phone, clean up more food messes, and the phone would ring again. And the boys would do their own thing while I was on the phone, which wasn't necessarily a good thing, and usually incurred fighting, whereby one boy would start crying and trying to talk to me while I was still trying to talk to someone else on the other end of the phone. (This is a good way to get off the phone, though, if you're looking for an excuse to cut a call short...)

Nearing the end of the day, we decided to take a walk. Which would have been fine, except for the fact that when we reached the nearby playground, one son came running up to me and announced, "I have to poop!" Yet, off he went to play for a few more seconds, until he would run up to me again and make the same announcement, and then go play again. This happened several times. It was time to go, but no one would go (for reasons above), even though one really had to go.

Finally, everyone decided to obey and home we went. Just a little way from the house, one of the boys decided to top it all off by taking a mud bath. He wasn't trying to. He was only trying to copy his brothers who were climbing snow drifts piled up in our high school's parking lot. He climbed, then climbed down...into mud, and got stuck. As in quick-sand stuck. Me, wearing my new white Marmot parka my husband got me for Christmas, wanted no part of the rescue. But he was totally stuck. So I reached out to him from the curb, and told him he was absolutely not to touch my coat (he obeyed on this one), and I grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the mud. Somewhere in the rescue, he face-planted. But the coat made it out unscathed.

What all this taught me today is that by not more clearly planning for success, I did in fact, plan for chaos.

My next post will address planning for a successful day. I just have to plan one.

(If you like this post, can I humbly ask you to take a second to vote for it here?)
(linked to Raising Homemakers)
Part 2: Planning for a Good Day

My Son Swallowed a Quarter

photo credit

In a newly invented game--one that he thought of himself--my six-year old son swallowed a quarter. The game? A spin-off of Hungry, Hungry Hippos: "Stuff Your Mouth With Coins--See How Much You Can Hold." Except he couldn't hold as much as he thought he could, and down went the quarter.

He came upstairs, crying and scared. "Mom, I swallowed a quarter. Am I gonna die?" Me, not thinking he was capable of such a feat, wondered why he would be making up a story like this. But after lots of questioning, "Are you serious? Are you really serious?" and affirming he was in fact serious, the second line of questioning was, "Are you sure it was a quarter?" We are learning about the different coins right now, and I told him to show me exactly what coin he had put in his mouth. He produced a quarter.

With the coins from his piggy bank spread in piles (pennies, nickles, quarters minus one) all over the living room, he began to cry. "I don't want to die. This was too short of a life! I didn't even get to fly a plane."

I assured him that I didn't think he would die. He assured me that he would. We went in for the x-ray. On the way, I lectured him about how we don't have insurance and Christmas is in a few days (this was last week) and this is not what I want to be spending money on. Then, thoughts of surgery, flashed through my mind, and huge, horrible bills. I just prayed the quarter would go down and out quickly.

I realized he did not need lecturing in what he believed were his final moments on earth, but rather compassion and mercy. I stopped lecturing and drove silently the rest of the way. That was as much mercy as I could muster right then.

Sure enough, the x-ray showed a quarter. Fortunately, it was in his abdomen--not his trachea or esophagus, which would have required surgery in our nearest metropolitan city four hours away, since no surgeon will touch that kind of surgery here in our smallish city.

I think it's since entered the sewer system. Despite our daily checking, I think we missed its exit.

Tonight, our middle son began crying before bed and asked if he would die if he swallowed a nail. After another line of intent questioning, he admitted he did in fact swallow a nail.  My stomach sunk to the floor.
I buried my head in my hands. My husband asked him why in the world he would do such a thing. Through tears, he answered, "Because my nail was sharp and I was mad at it, so I wanted it off." It was his finger-nail.

I'm A Mommy, Not A Mompreneur (Part 2)

The Internet provides a fabulous way for moms to earn money from home. It sounds like a dream come true: stay-at-home to raise your children, wash your laundry, cook your meals, clean your house, offer hospitality to friends and strangers, and earn some money, too, without ever leaving your front door.


But is it really that easy? Or has feminism so crept into our beliefs that we as Christian women—many of whom profess to stand staunchly against the doctrines of feminism--are feminists and we don’t even realize it?

Feminism encourages women to pursue careers outside the home, but does Christian feminism encourage women to pursue careers inside the home? Even Christians who think they oppose feminism may find they have subconsciously been so influenced by it that they, too, crave career success, but justify it by working from home. But if one seeks to climb the career ladder in one’s field from inside the home, is that really any different than doing the same thing outside the home?

"The mompreneur movement is one steadily growing in the US as mothers try to find ways to make money, express their creativity or business acumen, and also to parent their children". --source

Read what World Net Daily has to say about feminism's influence in culture today and see if it applies to the mompreneur movement:

"So many women – and men – have bought into the notion that women should work outside the home that for the first time in American history, and perhaps world history, vast numbers of children are not primarily raised by their mothers or even by an extended family member. Instead they are raised for a significant part of their childhood by nannies and by workers at day care centers. Whatever feminists may say about [they’re] only advocating choices, everyone knows the truth: Feminism regards work outside the home as more elevating, honorable and personally productive than full-time mothering and homemaking." (bold mine) source

We may say we agree with those statements (or we may not), but what I'd like us to ask ourselves is:

Do we regard work inside the home as more elevating, honorable and personally productive than full-time mothering and homemaking?

There are so many moms out there earning a part-or full-time income from making products, writing articles, and marketing their sites and products online. Nothing wrong with that. The Proverbs 31 woman, who provides us an excellent example of biblical femininity, was involved in the marketplace, no doubt. Proverbs 31 tells us she sewed and sold linen garments, traded goods, and bought a field out of her earnings. Yet, all of her endeavors were for the good of her household—not for her own career success. From this, I gather that there is a distinction between a mom selling craft items or writing articles in her spare time and a mompreneur aggressively pursuing success from within her own home.

Plus, it sounds like the children of the Proverbs 31 woman were not small. They arose and blessed her. This tells us they were old enough to: 1) walk, and 2) talk. Perhaps she wasn’t involved in the marketplace when she was fully involved in raising small children?

Yet, many mompreneurs are not only trying to rise to the top in their fields, they’re usually also parenting little ones who desperately need Mom’s training and attention. They might even be homeschooling, too. They either have superhuman organizational skills and manage to excel at it all, or the work-family balance is out of balance.

“One of the principal issues the mompreneur faces is learning how to balance the requirements of her children with the needs of her business. This is why many sites advise people new to running a business to create small realistic expectations that will not cause too much of a burden to especially young children.” --source


The truth is--we really can't do it all. Even Crystal Paine, the famous money-saving mom, admits that her success comes with a price—it’s not a cake-walk.

“I am a firm believer that, with God's blessings and lots of hard work, anyone can successfully work from home. However, I will be the first to tell you that working from home is just that–it's work...
I won't sugar-coat the truth when it comes to working from home: if you are not prepared to put in lots and lots and lots of time and effort, working from home won't work for you.”--http://moneysavingmom.com/2009/10/becoming-a-workathome-mom-its-work.html

Motherhood—being a good mom—is already a full-time job. Homeschooling, for those that do, is at least a part-time job. Keeping house, making nutritious meals and caring for the needs of our families is another full-time job. Since I already have two full-time jobs and one part-time job, I can’t take on anymore in this season. That’s why I’m a mommy, not a mompreneur.

I'm A Mommy, Not A Mompreneur (Part 1)

In the movie Soul Surfer, Bethany Hamilton's youth pastor tells her that sometimes all we need is to pull back from a situation to get some perspective on it. That's happened to me with blogging.

I love to write. I remember sitting in my bedroom, probably as young as six or seven, writing stories in notebooks I'd keep. In college, I majored in communications and minored in psychology and religion. I envisioned myself going into broadcast news and wanted to make it to the top. But I didn't see how that could fit with my other goal of being a wife and mother, and perhaps someday having a writing and speaking ministry.

God worked it all out. I did work as a journalist for a few years before deciding to trade in my career for a new career: Mommy. Honestly, even the tightest deadline (even a minute to air) is still not as challenging as motherhood can be some days. But what I am doing with my kids has value that reaches far beyond the impact of any news story.

For me, blogging has been a great way to continue to express my love for writing and my desire to encourage other moms. I tried to blog daily. But honestly, I just can't keep up. Not in this season, at least.

I know there are plenty of talented women who run successful, profitable blogs. Would I love to be in that category with them? Yes, and no. I think, if we're honest, we all want what we're doing to translate into some measurable success. But getting to that point takes a lot of time and a lot of effort. Right now, I can't do it. I can't devote the time it would take to write and market my humble blog and keep up with what I need to do at home, and most of all--raise my children. They're little now. They need lots of time and attention--attention I can't be giving them if I'm giving it to my computer.

Honestly, I don't know how other moms of small children (especially moms who say they homeschool) are finding time to be "mompreneurs." Either they have out-of-this-world organizational skills, or something's falling through the cracks.

As I've been mulling over posting on this topic, I just read what Sally Clarkson wrote and knew it was time for me to start this discussion here.

"Last Spring, I met with a young woman. She said, as many young women have said, “Sally, God is just opening so many doors for me, I just have to be a good steward of my opportunities.” (as her exhausted teen daughter was pushing her toddler in a stroller behind her, and complaining that her mom just never had time for her.) This happens to me a lot–young women who have stars in their eyes from money that can be made, audiences that can be found, numbers that can build up. [bold mine]


I have never had more opportunities come my way as now, but I do not like what I see going on in my heart and soul, and so, I am convicted that I need to cut back. I am pulling back from expectations. Pulling back from stress. And simplifying."--http://www.itakejoy.com/im-just-not-that-important/

That's what I've been realizing: I need to forget about trying to be big as a blogger and focus fully on what I'm called to do at home, as a wife and mother. It's my first and highest calling. It keeps me busy! It is, after all, a full-time job in itself.

I love what Paul writes, "Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load." (Galatians 6:4-5). The study note says, "Paul suggests that we focus instead on our own responsibilities. Are we faithfully living for God and fulfilling our responsibilities before him?"

I'll be blogging more about motherhood and mompreneurship in the next few days--just can't promise it will be tomorrow! (Part 2 is now up)

MomSense: A Common Sense Guide to Confident Mothering

 You would think that, with my fourth child, I would be pretty confident in my mothering. Not necessarily so. Sure, I am more confident in many areas, such as interpreting what an infant is trying to communicate, how to go about potty-training boys, and how to deal with a temper tantrum in public. But after the birth of my fourth, I suddenly felt like a wave tossed to and fro in regard to our parenting philosophy in general. We've always adopted more of a Dr. Sears/attachment parenting style, but I found the convenience of the schedule of the Baby Wise approach appealing. The only problem is I've never had the grit to let my baby "cry it out" for a half hour or more.

 

So when I was offered the opportunity to read and review MomSense: A Common-Sense Guide to Confident Mothering, I jumped at it. This sounded exactly like what I needed! Check out what the book's back cover has to say:

"Do blogs, books, magazines, and well-meaning women in your life have you questioning your mothering intuition? Jean Blacker is here to tell you that you are the best mom for your children--and you have what it takes to raise them.

With personal stories from real moms and proven, practical advice, MomSense helps you honestly assess your skills, embrace your mothering instincts, and develop your own unique mothering style. Rather than pushing one 'right' way to be a mom, this hope-filled book shows you that you can have contentment, joy, and confidence in your role as Mom."

Right off the bat, this is a unique book. First, it's the first book I've ever read that is printed in blue ink! Beyond that, like the back cover states, it's not advocating a specific parenting style ("do-it-this-way-or- else") but it encourages moms to take an honest look at one's own particular style and become more confident in our MomSense.

What exactly is "MomSense"? Author Jean Blackmer, who is herself the mother of three sons and the publishing manager at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) International defines it as "Mom intuition plus common sense." The good news is--even if you don't have very much mommy training starting out (or much common sense!), you can learn new skills and improve your MomSense everyday throughout your parenting journey. (And, by the way, in case you ever feel like mothering leaves you somewhat scatter-brained, Jean points out that "a woman's brain begins functioning at new levels once she becomes a mom." So, even if you're fumbling around in your purse, trying to find your keys, while your kids are begging for quarters for the gumball machine at the grocery store, and the bagger is just waiting on you so he can help you unload your groceries in your car, your MomSense is off the charts!)

After introducing the idea of MomSense and sharing encouragement for growth in our skills as mothers, Jean explores how our mothering is shaped by our own mothers, both positively and negatively. This chapter provided an opportunity for reflection. You've probably found in your own life, that no matter how many times you used to say, "I'll never do that as a mom!", you find yourself doing those very things now that you are a mom. Through reading this chapter (and the reflection questions at the end), I identified some areas where I can work intentionally to improve my MomSense.

The next chapter focuses on decision making. "Life is jam-packed with decisions. How does a person make decisions and live without regret?" You'll find answers here, in this immensely helpful chapter. It offers great advice for trusting your own intuition more fully and making confident decisions. For those like me, who tend to be indecisive and seek out tons of information before making a decision and then second-guess decisions to no end, this chapter was a real confidence booster.

Speaking of decisions, one of the most important choices a mom can make is in regards to the attitude of her spirit. With "practical tips and tools," Jean addresses several areas that are crucial for successful mothering. These are listed and explained as:

• Sense of Patience: Intentionally practicing patience: the ability to endure waiting, delay or provacation without becoming annoyed or upset
• Sense of Respect. Modeling and teaching the Golden Rule: do unto others are you would have them do unto you.
• Sense of Consistency. Becoming the reliable, faithful mom your children need.
• Sense of Perspective. Avoiding the nonsense and focusing on what matters most/
• Sense of Self-Control. Practicing and modeling self-discipline in a self-indulgent world
• Sense of Calm. Remaining composed in the chaos and creating a peaceful home.
• Sense of Joy. Maintaining a sense of humor and creating a joyful atmosphere in the home.
• Sense of Love. Building a sensible mothering philosophy grounded in unconditional love.

The above sections are rich not only with encouragement, but also with practical areas where we can all improve our MomSense.

Finally, Jean shares helpful advice for dealing with some of the common challenges of motherhood, such as handling tantrums in public, potty-training, dealing with sibling rivalry, handling advice from in-laws, and more.

Because motherhood is not one-size-fits-all, you won't find that kind of an approach in this book. What you will find, however, is plenty of grace, encouragement, and practical tips to help you become the best mom for your kids. You'll learn how to make decisions in their (and your) best interest, and how to feel confident about them.

Especially because mothering boys can present unique challenges for us moms (since they are so different from us!), I wanted to ask Jean for any tips on becoming more confident in raising sons.

Here's what she had to say:

"First, it's an important step to realize and accept that you are a girl and raising boys can be challenging, they are definitely different than girls.

My advice to help moms grow in their MomSense (and confidence) in raising boys is to rely on things you know, your common sense, such as boys typically are more physical, greater risk takers and louder than girls. And often boys are attracted to things such as video games, balls, trucks and guns. But, it is common sense that even though a boy is more physical it's not okay to hurt someone else, or boys are louder doesn't mean it's okay to be loud all the time, or it's okay to allow your boys to take risks just teach them safety skills too (A book came across my desk called "50 dangerous things every boy should do" or something like that :)., or just because a boy is attracted to video games doesn't mean it's good for him to play endless hours etc.

Then use your mom intuition. You know your boy better than anyone else. If you know what makes him tick you can help him grow in those passions and direct his - what girls might feel are negatives - his boyishness - into positives. For example, a boy that is super physical would probably really enjoy contact sports and needs to get outside every day and release that energy. If you know your son gets a thrill from taking risks help him find some fun and safe ways to experience the adventures he craves. (Husbands are often good sources for this.) Be intentional about really observing your son and getting to know him, be his biggest cheerleader, and trust your intuition in your mothering of him, over time you will become more confident. At times you still will feel at a loss for understanding your boys so I really encourage communication with other moms of sons and glean wisdom from each other, keep a sense of humor, and enjoy your boys and the passion, energy and adventure they bring to your life!"

In conclusion, MomSense: A Common-Sense Guide to Confident Motheringtruly helped me to not only make a decision regarding our parenting style and newborn scheduling, but encouraged me to grow in my confidence as a mom and in the decisions I make for our family. I heartily recommend this book.

And...you can win a copy, courtesy of MOPS. Just leave a comment on this post. I'd love to hear what one area you'd specifically like to become more confident in, in regard to motherhood (but you don't have to share that). I'll post a winner on Monday. (Please be sure to leave your email in the contact. Shipping to US residents only, please).

Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book to review and one to give away.

Silence is a Mom's Worst Nightmare

When my boys are home, silence is a terrible thing. It means destruction lurks behind the corner, devastation looms downstairs, and doom is inevitable upstairs. Free will in the house comes with a messy price.

Just a few days ago, while working on reading with my 6-year old, my other two sons and partners-in-crime, ages 4 and 3, traveled downstairs. I thought they were happily playing--it is, after all, the playroom; yet it was quiet. Too quiet. And that's never a good sign.

What I found was surprising. And infuriating. They had pumped out all the liquid soap in the bathroom, plus all the lotion from my Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy Orange Ginger Energy Body Lotion and my Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy Lavender Vanilla "Sleep" Body Lotion (which aren't cheap) and apparently decided their toys--including their LeapFrog Read and Sing Little Leap needed a massage.




The aromatherapy from the orange ginger lotion must have worked: they had plenty of energy. Unfortunately, the lavendar vanilla scent did not seem to calm me.
 
After a discussion about why we don't smear soap and lotion all over our toys, I thought we had checked that category of mischief off the list. Wrong. It morphed into a fascination with aerosol cans.
 
When I went upstairs after they were taking too long for a potty trip, I discovered that they started spraying Lysol on toys (not terrible I suppose, as we approach flu season), and in the toilet. Steady streams of toothpaste squeezed out in the toilet look like blue poo. And my makeup? Well, let's not even go there.
 
How do we keep our kids out of mischief? I'm not sure. But I'll tell you one thing--listen for the silence. Then proceed immediately and with caution, calming yourself in advance for what you're likely to find.

Motherhood and the Maple Tree

photo credit

Motherhood is like a maple tree. Numerous demands on our time and attention tap our sweet syrup. Our love pours out into little lives (and not-so-little lives), filling their buckets. But sometimes, we find our sap is slowing to a trickle.  

This trend of needing at times, to intentionally choose to show love is common to all moms. So common, in fact, that the Bible addresses it. In Paul's letter to Titus , he encourages older women to train the younger women to love their husbands and their children? Doesn't that just come naturally? Why would anyone need to be trained in it?

I think I have a clue...

The Greek word for "love" in that text is "phileo," which is the friendship type of love. After the initial "I'm-so-in-love-with-you" feelings wear off (for either our husbands or our newborns, but I'll focus on our kids in this post), we could use help to keep on loving our children in the friendship sort of way. They can annoy us, disobey us, test our patience, and sometimes just plain drive us nuts. We love them unconditionally for life, but at times, we need training and encouragement to continue to like them, to love them in a friendship sort of way. (See this post for raising our kids so we like them). We still need to tap our sweet syrup into their lives in a cheerful way.

I love what Jean Blackmer has to say on this topic:

"It's easier to love our children unconditionally when they are newborns. Nothing compares to that experience. And thank God he lets us experience that type of love for our babies--so that when they're toddlers throwing a temper tantrum at the park, we remember how much we love them, even though we might not feel it right at that moment...

As time passes, we forget those days of snuggling with our baby. We forget the smell of the lotion we slather on their bodies. And we don't always feel love. Sometimes love becomes a choice. We choose to love even when we don't feel like it, and this choice will be easier if we practice loving intentionally." -- Jean Blackmer, MomSense: A Common-Sense Guide to Confident Mothering

So when we find this type of love for our children needs to be poured out in a little higher concentration in our lives, where can we turn to find this practical help?

• Our relationship with the Lord. Insight through Scripture, prayer and the Holy Spirit
• Older moms whom we admire
• Peer moms who can share what they're learning, what's helping them
• Inspirational books and articles on motherhood (I love aboverubies.org and the free Above Rubies newsletter, as well as Nancy Campbell's book The Power of Motherhood: What the Bible Says About Mothers)
• Teaching resources (audio messages on motherhood, etc.)
• Blog posts from Christian ministry leaders and others with a passionate heart toward mothering (I find so much encouragement at itakejoy.com) 

In conclusion, choosing to love our kids in a friendly way does sometimes take a little intentionality. When they're pestering us with the same request for the 20th time in a day, or they're disobeying or otherwise irritating us, we're not allowed to just turn a cold shoulder, to shove the lid on our syrup bucket, and say, in essence, "No more kind love for you today." We need to train ourselves to love them in a friendly-sort-of way still.

Some posts I've loved lately are:

• Building Requires a Plan, and a Whole Lot of Work
• When the Milkshake Runs Low

(linked up with Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers)

Under The Dark Cape

Photo credit

You know you're having a mom's-in-need-of-mercy moment when you're at the salon, trying to get a haircut, while also trying to manage your hungry, crying newborn baby. The "rock-the-baby-in-the-car-seat-with-a binky-in-her-mouth" trick worked long enough to get through the shampooing. Then she fell asleep for half of the haircut. But when she woke up, she was not a happy camper. The pacifier no longer pacified. The haircut was only half done. What to do?

Enter: the dark cape.

Sounds like the title for a new Batman movie, hugh?

I decided it was in everyone's best interest to take her out of her car seat, which I was holding sideways on my lap to keep falling hair off her, and slip her under the cape, where I could nurse her.

It's funny how the breastfeeding-in-public (even under a cape where no one can see) debate can affect one's judgements at the time. It was completely in my baby's best interest to feed her. It was in everyone else's, too.

Still, I hesitated. What will people think? Will someone be offended that I'm nursing my baby during a hair cut? (Someone had already made a comment, while my baby was crying, that she never wanted "a thing coming out of her," and that "it just wasn't worth it" after I said motherhood can be challenging at times but it's also a great joy.) Obviously, it wasn't the optimum situation with a supportive crowd. (For the record, I normally have no problem nursing under a blanket if I'm out and about somewhere, although I do aim to find a private place, such as a fitting room, if possible).

It wasn't supposed to happen like this. My baby was supposed to be home during this haircut, happily napping. If she woke up while I was still away, my husband or father (who's visiting right now) could feed her a bottle. But I ended up having to take her in for an emergency doctor's visit at the same time I was scheduled for a hair cut.

See, just before my hair appointment, I had called the doctor about what I thought was an infected eye due to a blocked tear duct. The area was a little puffy, and she had some discoloration under her eye. The doctor wanted to see her right away, since I guess the infection can become so serious that the baby needs to be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics. It wasn't exactly like I could say, "Well, I was just about out the door for my haircut, so could this wait 'til tomorrow?" Bad mom of the year award right there.

So we went to the doctor's office together and we went to the salon together. (They let me push the appointment back a little).

In hindsight, I wish I would have felt more confident to nurse my newborn sooner. It wasn't like I was whippin' it out for everyone to see, after all. She was under the dark cape.

As women, we so aim to please everyone. We worry what others will think. This sensitivity is polite, to some extent, but not so great when we compromise the needs of those most vulnerable--such as our newborn babies--to cater, instead, to the opinions and possible judgements of those with much larger stomachs and bigger brains.

This Coffee Talk Thursday, I'd love to talk about your experiences with breastfeeding in public. Do you feel comfortable nursing out and about (under a blanket or similar covering)? Have you ever had a negative experience with it? Let's chat! 

The $27 Nap

Photo credit

You know you're desperate for sleep when you drive your kids to the nearest drop-in daycare (for the first time ever) so you can try to get a nap. Twenty-seven dollars later ($27.08, to be exact), I'm still as tired as I was when I dropped them off.

That's because I kept my two-year old with me, thinking that he, I, and the baby could all get a little sleep. Wrong. For the hour slot that we had, he cried and threw a royal fit on the stairs because he wanted to be with his brothers. He ended up falling asleep...right when I needed to leave to pick the boys up. Nap derailed.

Especially with a newborn baby (and the lack of sleep that accompanies it), I am working hard on instituting a quiet hour rule in the house in the afternoon. The only problem with that is that the boys (ages 6, 4, and 2)  all fall at different points on the obedience spectrum. Mom can't rest when she's worried about what sort of mischief they could be getting into (they've done some doozies in moments unsupervised).

So today, in a classic mom's-in-need-of-mercy moment, I did the only thing I could think to do to keep from snapping: call the daycare and see if I could drop off my children for a wee little bit.

When I picked up the boys, we had a long talk about obedience and adhering to the quiet time rule from here on out. Unfortunately, to my disadvantage, they really enjoyed the drop-in daycare (complete with a giant ball pit). One clever son asked, "So Mom, if we get into mischief again when we should be having quiet time, will we get to go back to [said daycare.]" Nice try, son.

The baby's sleeping. I'm going to try to get some rest now, too...

If you've also been there, I'd love to hear about the desperate measures you've gone to in order to get some rest in your most sleep-deprived moments. One mom friend of many littles told me once that she used to barricade a door with a mattress and lay on the mattress while her children played inside the room. She could rest knowing they were safe and wouldn't be able to get out. Creative idea.

On Being Pleasant

Confession: I haven't been a particularly pleasant person to be around the past few days. I hope you wouldn't notice this outside of my home, but my family would probably attest to the fact that I've been short and snappy with them--and things in general--more often than not.

 

Have I felt justified? Sure. I may have plenty of reasons for being unpleasant, but those don't matter. I need to be pleasant. In fact, I think we are all called to be. Here's a few good reasons why:

• 1 Cor. 13:4, 5--"Love is patient, love is kind...It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs."
• Ephesians 4:32--"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
• 1 Thess. 5:15--"Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (I think the "praying continually" is where we gain the grace and find the strength to fulfill all that this verse calls us to.)
• Titus 2:5 younger women are called "to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind..." (bold mine)
• Gal. 5:22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

 I read this today and think it also ties in well (and is a great verse when it comes to training our children:
"A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult." (Proverbs 12:16)

I think what it boils down to is--when we try to take on too much, we too easily snap. I didn't realize it fully until my mom said she feels like I'm on overload (definition: "too load too heavily, an excessive load.")
Gosh. I don't feel like I'm loaded too heavily or carrying an excessive load (after all, I just delivered our seven pound baby!).

Loving my husband and my children, looking after our needs and caring for my home are not heavy burdens; they are my calling and my delight. But somewhere in there the transmission went on the fritz. Nothing that can't be repaired with a healthy dose of prayer, Scripture, reflection, great heart-to-heart talks with my husband and even with the children.

Today I knew I had to lighten the load. At first, I felt a little anxious taking large chunks of time away from responsibilities inside the house to spend time enjoying the beautiful day outside with my kids. But then I realized being with them was exactly what I needed to be doing. So we took blankets, a book, the baby, and a big cup of water and spent the entire afternoon outside on the lawn doing nothing but being together and enjoying each other. And it was so refreshing.

I reread this today, and it says it all so perfectly:

"When your first baby was born, chances are you treated him with the utmost kindness and careful respect. I'm willing to bet that child never heard you yell for the first couple of years. But as he grew and you added to your family, as the pressure to meet the needs of many individuals mounted, you became a taskmaster. The focus in your relationship shifted in subtle waves over time. Now, you are utterly exhausted and those relationships you hold most dear have deteriorated...

We are in authority over our children. God put us there. That does not mean that we must be tyrants. That does not give us license to berate, belittle, or scream at them. That does not allow us to excuse our own weakness and impatience. Remember: Charity, above all. Be a friend to your child. Listen with interest. Speak with courtesy. Think of him as a friend...

What does this have to do with burnout? Everything. When you treat your children as treasured friends, so much of the tension that has built in your household will dissipate. You will begin to relax and enjoy your role as a mother. You will recapture the exuberance and innocence of those early days. You will once again delight in the humorous antics and refreshing sweetness of little children. You will savor long and interesting conversations with a young teenager who is just beginning to make sense of the world. Mama will be happier, and so will her children"--Elizabeth Foss, Real Learning: Education in the Heart of the Home

To sum it up: Stress over lesser things stopped me from savoring those who matter to me most. It made me uptight and unpleasant. I think I've got it lined out now. These experiences are all profitable if we reflect on them and grow in grace, becoming more Christlike, through them.

Grace for Days That Don't Go as Planned

I'm having one of those "mom's in need of mercy" weeks--you know, the ones where you feel like you're doing just about everything wrong when it comes to your kids. Too much nagging, too much scolding, too little laughter, too few smiles. I'm trying to see myself as they see me, and I wonder: do they feel like I'm just one grouchy mother? I don't intend for the days to be like this.

After a rather rough start to an "official" homeschooling day (which ended up being just a phonics and handwriting lesson) that did not come anywhere close to being the happy, fun, excited time of learning and togetherness I envisioned, I read this post by Elizabeth Foss. It said exactly what I felt.

Even if you don't homeschool, I encourage you to read it. It encourages all mothers with children at home.

May you be blessed as I was.

Read it here:

The First Day Never Goes As Planned

Ever had one of those days?

When It Rains, It Pours

So I was planning on posting a little on our labor story, since our little girl was born two weeks ago today. That's the happy news. But, just as I was feeling like things were starting to settle in a little bit, my husband all but cut off one of his fingers on Monday afternoon. The funny thing is (not that anything about that is funny), I was just thinking to myself how I didn't feel ready to take all four kids out anywhere altogether yet. I just didn't feel that brave.

And yet, with what happened, I got thrown in the fire, so to speak, with four kids in the emergency room (one throwing massive fits off and on); walking with four kids and crossing a busy street down to where our minivan was parked and back into ER again and then back out to the van again; restraining one of the kids, who was running into the street in front of two oncoming trucks to retrieve his bouncy ball (while holding the car seat in the other hand); hauling a car seat, my husband's bag, my heavy purse in from the parking garage up to the operating room waiting area and taking everything back out again.

I think, if I could, I would crawl in my bed and hibernate for three days.

But I can't.

I have, however, lost 20 pounds in two weeks. I suppose that's looking on the bright side. :)

So I am just another mom in need of lots and lots of God's mercy.

Some random thoughts through this time:

• It's only money. God owns it all anyway. I just need to keep trusting in Him to provide for all of our needs at this point, especially since all the bills seem a bit overwhelming right now. But if they were manageable on our own, we wouldn't rely on the Lord as much as we would otherwise. So I suppose it's better this way. Builds trust in the character of God. Plus, as one of my friends encouraged me, just say, "Here's another bill for you, God." He'll get it paid.
• I love this verse: "I have no need of a bull from your stall or of goats from your pens, for every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills...Sacrifice thank offerings to God, fulfill your vows to the Most High, and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.” (Psalm 50:9-10, 14,15).
• (Something I forgot to say in the original post) I am so thankful for good friends and a great church family. Friends have offered to help with the boys, a good friend watched the boys while my husband was in surgery, others have brought meals or offered to down the road. For all of this, I am grateful.
• I've heard Matthew West's song "Strong Enough" on the radio many times before. I thought it was pretty good. The other day, though, it totally met me where I was at. I'm excerpting the words and the story behind the song from his blog:

"You must, you must think I’m strong

To give me what I’m going through
Well, forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

The song goes on to explore where our true source of strength comes from. My favorite verse from the bible holds the answer, and I sing it in the bridge of this song. Phillipians 4:13 is a verse my dad taught me when I was a kid...The bridge of the song proclaims,

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be strong enough
Strong enough

One of the reasons I chose this song to be the next single at radio is because of the response it has during our live show on the The Story of Your Life Tour. Every single night, when we get to the part and start singing, I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH, hands begin to go up in the air all across the audience. It is as if people one by one are facing their own impossible mountains and soaking up that much needed reminder that we were never made to be strong enough to make it through life’s adversity on our own. We were made to be carried by the strength of a savior. I hope and pray this song will encourage you when your day finds you facing an impossible mountain. May you be comforted by the reminder that you’re not strong enough, and thank God you don’t have to be."--Matthew West, Strong Enough (bold mine).

So my mother's here now. Maybe I'll have a few minutes to blog. I do want to share our labor story, plus get some pictures uploaded (not of me in labor!) :). We have two book reviews--one with a giveaway, courtesy of Cannon Press. It's all in the works. Just let me get my laundry put away first... :) Thanks for being patient with me.

(Updating to say that after I posted this, I went to one of the blogs I read regularly--Heavenly Homemakers-and Laura had posted this exact song as well. She has the song with a You Tube video on her blog, if you'd like to hear it and watch the video).

The Octomom's In-Need-of-Mercy Moment (On Live TV)

Controversy surrounding her aside, when I checked my email today, I came across a link to a news article that made me curious: Octomom Brings 9 of Her Kids Along for Chaotic 'TODAY' Visit  .
Reading the article and watching the video made me feel empathy for her. Imagine trying to answer questions in a live interview on national TV with eight two-year olds on an open set with no one to help you but your 9-year old daughter. I know how hard it can be to corral my three in certain places, and I know how stressed out I would be in her situation. Add that she has three times the number of children I have, and no husband to help her, and my heart went out to her.

If you get a few extra minutes, browse the article, watch the video...
Ir's humorous, partly because it's so realistic of 2-year old behavior. I bet we can all relate!