Wednesday, February 10, 2010

What to Do When You Feel Like He’s Just Not That Into You

Coffee Talk Thursday

I’m sure you, like me, can recollect super romantic events your love gave his all to pull off for you while you were dating, or even engaged. Once, my husband pretended his truck broke down, only to have a carriage pull up alongside us and whisk me off to a beautiful dinner. Before he proposed, he left me little clue notes on exquisite paper in Hebrew. Now I get reminders to pay certain bills plopped nicely on the table. How far we’ve come!

While it’s fairly easy to pull out all the stops and go overboard in the romance department for a few months, it is much harder to keep up that level of intentional romance for the long-term. I love my husband dearly, and I know he loves me too. However, every marriage, at times, will go through seasons when the level of affection, or the intentional time spent together, is not what we as wives would prefer. It might just be a busy week that leaves us feeling disconnected from our husband. Or maybe the problem is more chronic and serious--a wife feels like she's not a priority in her husband’s life; another feels like her husband is not very close to her anymore, or very kind for that matter. You may not see these problems on the outside, but inside, their hearts are breaking.

So what do you do when you feel like your husband’s just not that into you?

1. Talk about it.
Often the problem is nothing more than a difference in perspectives. Men usually get so caught up in providing for their families that showing the amount of affection we as wives need isn’t necessarily even on their radars. They assume we know they love us. Yet, this lack of expressed affection is the very thing that, as wives, can make us feel unimportant to our husbands.

Take the example of a wife who feels like her husband doesn’t spend much time with her. Her husband, on the other hand, may feel like his hard work shows his wife just how much of a priority she is in his life. She interprets it differently. Talking about it clarifies it all.

By failing to communicate, we poison our minds with our often incorrect interpretations about our spouse’s actions. My parents drove themselves to divorce this way. They always misunderstood the other, but never addressed their perceptions to receive clarity and truth. So remember, your interpretation may be very different than your husband’s. He may have no clue you feel like he’s just not that into you. Talk to him--openly and honestly.

2. Find a mutually-agreeable solution

As we share our desire with our husband for his time and affection, we can work together to find a mutually agreeable solution. Maybe it’s going out for lunch once-a-week, or having a cup of coffee before he heads off to work each day. Find something that works for you both about being intentional about togetherness.
3. Find your contentment in the Lord

While marriage is indeed God’s gift to us, our ultimate source of fulfillment comes from our relationship with the Lord. Sure, our husbands can—and do—meet our needs, but they fail, as do we. So if we always look to our husband to meet our deepest needs, we will always be let down.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121: 1,2)
4. Refuse to become bitter and cold-hearted

While this is very easy to do when needs are not being met, it will not bring about the improvement one seeks. If we pull away from our husbands when we feel like they’re not being as good to us as we think they should, the division will escalate. He’ll pull away, we’ll pull away, and on and on it will go, until it will be so thoroughly broken it will take a major act of God to put it back together again.
5. Continue to treat your husband kindly

Maybe you’re just misunderstanding him; maybe it’s just a busy season; maybe there really is a bigger problem. Either way, honey catches more flies than vinegar.
“Love is patient, love is kind…It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps to record of wrongs…It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Cor. 13:4-8). It is not in vain!

6. Endure

“One of the most disastrous tendencies, that seems to be gaining strength year by year, is giving up too soon when life gets tough. What is happening to perseverance?

Well. Homes can’t be homes at all if they are dissolved when problems come. If they are to endure, it means sticking to home-making when it all seems bleak. Everybody feels unhappy at times—and perhaps even caught in what feels like a trap.

One of the beautiful things about some elderly couples I’ve known is the sense that although there were many challenges to endure and no quick cures to the ills of life, they stuck it out and now have the peace and enjoyment of an ‘Indian Summer’ in the relationship. They share memories, home, grandchildren, places, people, failures, victories, and, for Christians, the fruit of the Spirit. (Gal. 5:22-23).”--For the Family's Sake: The Value of Home in Everyone's Life

7. Cling to supernatural help.

There is a verse in Ecclesiastes which says “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecc. 4:12). As Susan Schaeffer Macaulay writes, that cord is Jesus. I really like what she says:

“None of us is able always to be or do enough in relationship with each other. We have failures too. We are sinners, not yet perfected. Often the needs of a home and our lives become overwhelming. It is pretty horrible to become overwhelmed. That is why the two strands are reinforced with the third gold-like fiber. Knowing Jesus’ promises and asking for His help are part of the securing strength. So is the obedience to God’s instructions. Christians can enjoy God’s comfort, strength, and guidelines if they ask and listen.”
Remember, you are not alone when you feel like you’re wanting more out of your marriage. Women all over the world feel the same way at various times. That’s why everyone says marriage takes work. Great ones are rarely effortless. Where you’re at today is hopefully not where you’ll be tomorrow. Marriage goes through phases. Extend each other grace in the busy seasons, the hard times. Roll up your sleeves, and get ready to dig in!

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Do something special for your man, even if you wish he’d do something special for you first. It may just be the ember that causes him to show you he really is that into you after all.

Additional Resources:
Focus on the Family Radio Broadcasts
"Game Plan to Revolutionize Marriage Parts 1 and 2"
and "Is There a Hero in Your Husband Parts 1 and 2"


  1. Thank you so much for this blog...I just found it and your words of wisdom and encouragement are much needed. I look forward to every new blog!

  2. great article. it really made me think!

  3. You are THE best Cher!! I love you.

    Your Husband.

  4. It is so refreshing to see you referance to the Bible. Not enough people look to God for the answers, they look to the world. The only real way to solve our problems is through God.

    In relation to husbands, I've been doing a Bible study for the book "The Power of a Praying Wife". There is a study guide to go along with it as well. I highly recommend both in conjunction.

  5. Thanks Sarah! Totally agree.
    I received The Power of a Praying Wife as a bridal shower gift. It's a great book; I have been meaning to go through it again. I didn't know there was a study guide. I will have to check into that. Thanks for the heads up!